The Book Reviews
A collection of reviews of books written by Derek Haines. The good and the tough.
Review of My Take Away Vampire by: Emma Meade on Jan. 09, 2012 :
Forever teenage vampire Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s. Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey; her preference is male virgins and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice them, i.e. a little teenage tramp. Agatha is not without heart however and always gives them pleasure before she feeds. Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood. In short, Agatha is brazen. She lives in the old graveyard and her best friend is her neighbour Mr. Fipps who speaks through rhyme. I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed despite his annoying manner of communication.
There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”. Keep in mind that this language comes from a teenage boy Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating. Too much information! Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’. Like many before him he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body. Will Agatha go for the kill or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?
I finished this story in one sitting; it’s easy to read and very well written but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years. Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed? Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts? One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears. Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago so is this meant to make the fake relationship ok? She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine). He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16 and yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining. In a literary world filled with deep, brooding male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.
The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing.
(reviewed after purchase)
David Lever‘s review
I found this as a free Kindle download and decided to read it a month later because the author himself said “What Is This Book About? Great question. The answer is so splendidly simple. This book is about anything, everything and nothing. It is an ideal companion on a bus or train where regular interruptions are guaranteed as every part of this book is very, very short. Ideal also for parents of young children who get interrupted a lot by screaming, crying and toilet training. Great too for those with a limited attention span” and I needed something because my attention span has been short and I didn’t want to delve into anything too deep.
Terrific read, no rhyme or reason to his thought processes on any given day, much like I usually feel. Each “chapter” was an amusing excerpt from his blog and I read through it quickly, picking it up here and there. Great sense of humor, interesting commentary on everyday things some of us never would have thought about or if we had, we never gave them another thought, but he did and put it in print.
I liked his writing style so much, I went back and bought one of his books and plan to buy a few more of them.
Author: Derek Haines
Priyam‘s review of Dead Men
One of my best reads ever! That I completed the book in less than 24 hours should give you a hint how gripping it was. Never a pretty read but a stunning work of reality. Beneath all the ‘ugliness’ (as the author points out) one appreciates the sensitivity of the characters. Not quite perfect, but undoubtedly human. With flaws, regrets, qualities and scars as anyone else. Life, of course, goes on and Hope, at the end of the day, is the fuel we all need to survive. The author makes it clear at the beginning with: “A story that may surprise, offend or shock, but will certainly not be forgotten.” He is, as always, correct.
Picking up a book about reality in its most honest form is never easy. Thinking that some people actually go through all that is even harder. Perhaps it isn’t a mystery that fantasy sells so well. We all seek the unreal to avoid ‘ugly’ reality. Those caught up in that reality are shady figures. Sometimes books like these are needed for a dose of reality. To tell the stories about the shady figures that we neglect or forget to care about.
A page turner, as all his other books, this author can always connect with you. His characters stay with you. You can almost watch them in your head. That is how strong an effect he has with his writing. His word play and mixing of the visual element with the overall mood is stunning too. You might even be tempted to reread some portions that are truly emotive. Then you’d keep going back to it. One cannot help but appreciate the act of bravery that this book is. A memorable read!
February The Fifth by Derek Haines
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
Delightfully quirky….
…insanely imaginative…intensely insightful…just plain fun.
Derek Haines employs all of his impressive writing skills in this fantastic tale of February, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun System of Gloth.
I’m grateful to Amazon Kindle, which offers a platform for exciting authors like Haines to reach out to readers globally. Haines uses an elegant narrative style in this tale of February’s rise to Royalty. If you enjoy a strange and eclectic story that is both beautifully crafted and “really out there”, you will love this e-book.
Donna Carrick
Author of The First Excellence
Natalie Valentina‘s review Vandalism Of Words
bookshelves: my-alltime-favorites
This is a brilliant little compendium about how Derek Haines sees the world.
Like a “best of” of his blog… I find his thoughts quirky, funny, intelligent, sarcastic, twisted, insightful, wise and so utterly inescapable that I shared it with my husband, reading it to him. (Yes I forced him to listen at first)But then he started asking for more… And my husband is hardly enthusiastic about anything!(except my cooking) but now I am deviating a bit…
If you orgiastically acclaimed Malcolm Gladwell and his “what the dog saw” witch was a bit of a let down to be honest… Kind of the emperors new clothes… if You know what I mean… Then you will love this one. Its just less pretentious. And much more fun.
On a more personal note: This book has definitively established Derek Haines as my favorite author/writer I have EVER read. (I am reading his work backwards, I know) Thank you, Derek!
Reviewed by C.C.Cole
Review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)
“Vandalism of Words” by Derek Haines reads like a collection of opinion columns by Derek on many things we experience in our everyday lives. He’s cynical, but carries his message with humor and clarity. I found it interesting that an Australian living in Switzerland has so much in common with others living a hemisphere away. He addresses everything to politics to usual family living acknowledging the imperfections of the world but at the same time not taking everything for granted. Heaven love him, he’s got an opinion and doesn’t mind saying so. Rock on, Derek, and congratulations, four stars!
25th June 2011
Review by Donna Carrick (Canada) – Author of The First Excellence
Amazon Verified Purchase
This review is from: February The Fifth (Kindle Edition)…insanely imaginative…intensely insightful…just plain fun.
Derek Haines employs all of his impressive writing skills in this fantastic tale of February, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun System of Gloth. I’m grateful to Amazon Kindle, which offers a platform for exciting authors like Haines to reach out to readers globally. Haines uses an elegant narrative style in this tale of February’s rise to Royalty. If you enjoy a strange and eclectic story that is both beautifully crafted and “really out there”, you will love this e-book.
Reviewed by Joe Young
This is a review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)
Goodreads ReaderDerek Haines has a definite twisted view of the world. I happen to like his views as he expresses them in this collection of what I imagine to be past blog posts. The life he describes seems idyllic and his approach to writing makes it seem like an ideal pursuit. I find it easy to embrace his views of political leaders and others in authority. I think I understand his anger with all things colonial and expect his taste for beer, great coffee and delightful food made with local fresh produce may stem from his Australian exposure. I can only lament that he found a wage earning wife to support him, share in his eccentricities and supply him with a Swiss citizenship while I must still struggle through life. Pick up this book and treat yourself to the humorous ramblings and pointed examinations of mostly everything he chooses to expose himself to. I found myself smiling and nodding while I was reading and largely jealous of his ability to make such a rewarding “Big” life for himself and his readers. I’m amazed he can think these “Deep” thoughts and not completely distract himself from his writing. I highly recommend this read.
Weird, Warped and Wonderful
Reviewed by JustJan
Amazon Verified Purchase
Review of Vandalism of Words (Kindle)This is a Sienfeld-style stream of consciousness that covers everything from mutton to skin rashes in the nether regions from the fabric softener. I did not burst out laughing at any point but I did chuckle softly on occasion. It is a peculiar and aimless rambling of an entertaining mind. I found myself nodding in agreement; snorting in disapproval; or raising an eyebrow inquisitively wondering how we arrived at such a thought. Between pondering how often he tipped the whiskey bottle and toying with entertaining adverbs, the author drops insightful tidbits. It is an interesting and entertaining look at everything and nothing at all.
Intelligent fun
Reviewed by Winslow
An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics (Paperback)I enjoyed the originality, smartness, passion, and the ideas in this book. Because of the unusual style, it made me feel as though I really got to know the author. He made me feel as though we were spending time together and he was talking to ME. He comes across as someone who is funny, intelligent, thoughtful, and has deep feeling – someone all of us would like to know. I would definitely read anything else he wrote.
Reviewed by Sriram Srinivasan
Vandalism of Words (Kindle)Completed reading Vandalism of Words. It’s funny, humorous, and made me laugh all the way. Also made me understand that an idiot is not equal to a fool 
This is a collection of blog posts written by the author. He covers various topics from, food to politics to language. An easy read and one can complete this one in one sitting. I highly recommend Vandalism of Words.
Review by Priyam
Louis (Paperback)“The thing that strikes you about this book is that from the first page you get the idea how much the author researched for this. The amount of labour that must have gone into it must have been staggering. When they say books are things that help you see places you haven’t really visited, I’m sure they are talking about a book like this. It is written in a very personal way which makes it very engaging. Another thing about the writing here is that even though the words don’t really describe *everything*, you understand it because I guess that’s how the author wanted it to be. Sometimes, things hidden are the things you notice first. In the end when you close the book, you remember that the author mentions in the beginning that it took him 40 years to write the book. Then you say to yourself that 40 years to polish a story like that was worth it. I loved it! ”Original Link11th June 2011
Reviewed by PriyamDO NOT read this book without a handkerchief *sniff*
Book review by Mary Crocco
Hal (Kindle)
It’s a mad world on Gloth as experienced through the eyes of Halbert Hoop, Hal to the reader. Hal is a well-developed character who gets himself into unusual and kooky situations. It’s great fun for the reader to share Hal’s strategies in unraveling and solving these situations.
Hal’s adventures arriving and living on Gloth are unpredictable and fun to read. The characters he meets are as unique as the menu items he consumed in order to survive. Hal’s quest to return to Erde, better known as Earth is driven by . . .
There is no way I will spoil the story, the unpredictability is the best part of the book!
I recommend Hal for readers who enjoy whacky characters and crazy places. It’s an enjoyable story and once again, Derek Haines strength in developing his characters is terrific.
30th May 2011
Review by LilyFields Entertainment – Sharon T. Rose
Review of February The Fifth (Kindle)
February the Fifth by Derek Haines is another fun read. Feb is a junior prince of a galaxy-spanning empire whose father and older brother’s unexpected deaths catapult him into a job he never thought he’d have to take. For an indolent young man who never thought much of anyone other than himself, this was a bit of a change. Fortunately, the Royal Family has hard-wired help; otherwise, Feb would have had far fewer troubles and we would not have a story to read. This adventure takes Feb and friends all over the universe, and we get to ride along.
This is a great story with some technical issues. I really enjoy Derek’s turn of phrase and crafting technique. The formatting of the ePub I purchased, however, made it hard to read.
Story gets 5 for originality and sheer fun. Formatting gets 1 for being puny.
HOWEVER, some stories are so good that I don’t care how badly they’re presented. Feb5 is one of those. Read it.
19th May 2011
Thought provoking
Review by By Tracytid
Review of Dead Men (Kindle)
Dead Men tells the story of three men, each from different backgrounds, who are thrown together when each of them experiences a relationship breakdown. We follow them as they deal with the aftermath of adultery and divorce which in turn leads to them losing their homes, their jobs, contact with their children and which for one of the men, ends with a prison term.
I didn’t expect to like this book and at times it’s not an easy read. We see the men turn bitter as they feel society turn against them but I think it’s a testament to the quality of Derek Haines’s writing that I ended up caring about the characters, each of whom were pretty disagreeable at times. This book challenges the idea of the neanderthal Aussie bloke as each of the men are forced, by their circumstances, to confront their feelings, maybe for the first time in their lives. We see their struggle to reconcile their inner Alpha Male with the kind of behaviour that modern society expects from them. As a woman I found it offered a different perspective on the breakdown of the modern family. It’s a book that certainly makes you think.
10th May 2011
Vandalism of Words (Kindle)My Friday night read, Derek Haines Vandalism of Words.The writing is witty, poetic and true.
Derek says, “When asked to describe my writing style, I would think carefully, wait a few seconds, and then answer, I have no idea!”I recommend this book.I’m not a whiskey drinker on ice, but his bittersweet view might need a belt when you are done.
Review by Jack Eason
HAL (Kindle)
Have you ever pondered the exact meaning of the words human and god?
Well in the whacky world of Gloth, human stands for – Hybridised Uniform Manipulation And Naturalisation, while god simply means – Glothic Oversight Detachment. What did you think it meant?
While this may come as a deep shock to those Erdeans- sorry Earthlings, of a naturally delicate disposition, take it from me, you ain’t seen anything yet!
I feel sorry for the illustrious members of the Camera Stellata, especially when poor Lord Ashtoke meets the real power behind Erde (Earth). Is it any wonder the man dies of a heart attack?
I think not!
And now we come to the subject of this book, Halbert Hoop – HAL for short.
Yikes Derek, have you completely lost your senses man! Hal becomes a member of the Camera Stellata? Surely you jest! Never was there a more unlikely candidate for great things than the bumbling, gangly, accident prone Halbert Hoop.
To console myself from the shock of this ghastly revelation, I turn your attention and mine to the extremely important subject of Glothic cuisine.
Turdling Hurdles for breakfast – simply delicious
Onglets of Tirdd and Yuretha Jus – pure heaven on a plate
Begrogrol fillets – totally divine
Whole poached Winkie Flyers, stuffed with fresh Krinquelain Faeces and a salad of Viddiam Lymph Glands – oh be still my beating heart
All of the above served with a glass or two of Fozzoxly, the Glothic equivalent of pure nectar.
Sadly the contents of the menu above are simply too good for the likes of common Erdeans such as you and I.
Before you think I have totally gone mad, why not read “HAL” for yourself. This hilarious sequel to “February the Fifth” shows Derek Haines at his absolute best.
Simply brilliant Derek, well done…
4th May 2011
Review by Nettie Thomson
Review of February The Fifth
I don’t like Terry Pratchett. There, I’ve said it. I find his books unfunny, smart-arsed and contrived. Reading one of his books is like being poked in the ribs by a five year old wanting to point out to you how clever he is. I know I am in the minority: the man sells books by the millions and the Sky TV adaptations of his work are heralded before the event and repeated ad infinitum afterwards. But his type of writing just isn’t for me which is why I began reading February The Fifth by Derek Haines with more than a little trepidation.
February The Fifth is about a young man, February Gregorian, who is the third in line to the throne of Gloth, an empire somewhere (and sometime) in the universe. When his father and two elder brothers are reported dead in mysterious circumstances, Feb has to grow up and shape up quickly as the future of Gloth and Gregorian rule is in his – so far – incapable hands.
Tradition has it that each member of the Gregorian Royal family takes the name of a month of the year, from the Gregorian calendar. At this point in the book I was almost going to stop reading and give it up as yet another contrived fantasy story.
And I would have been wrong. Very, very wrong.
While I still say that this genre of book isn’t really my favourite, Derek’s attention to plotting and characterisation soon had me hooked and I truly wanted to know what happened to Feb and his sisters, April, May & June. The friends that Feb made along the way were fun characters, even if the names like String and Snurd did irritate me. I liked Derek’s ideas about the ships Feb et al used to get around their universe and for long stretches it read like a comedy Sci Fi story – and a very good one at that.
If I were to give it a star rating, I’d find it really quite difficult. The genre makes me want to say 2* but the story itself probably deserves 4*.
On the whole I’d say I’d heartily recommend February The Fifth if you enjoy Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams.
18th April 2011
Review of February the Fifth (Kindle)
By Vincent – Amazon Reader
This is the 1st book I have read written by Derek Haines and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Derek has a great sense of comic timing in this book and captures character extremely well. The twists and turns of the plot kept me reading right up to the last page.
I look forward to reading more of Derek’s work.
15th April 2011
The Hell of Divorce
Reviewed by Mary Crocco
This a review of Dead Men (Kindle)
This is a story about the hell of divorce from the point of view of three men. They are angry, bitter, depressed, and lonely. They have lost their jobs, homes, and their children. Any money they eventually earn goes to child-support. They feel the Family Court favors women and they try to beat the system. These men did not exactly grow up in nurturing homes, which definitely adds to their outlooks on life.
Within a few months, divorce turned three men into confused and bored women haters. David and Tony’s wives discarded them, both had cheated on them. Steve felt his wife measured him by his salary, which he increased with petty criminal activities.
David, an innovative salesman; Tony, a hard working owner of a transport company; and Steve, a well-qualified and dependable accountant, are reduced to feeling useless and worthless to their families and society in general. They end up twisting their skills using illegal activities.
The story begins in their birth city of Perth, Australia. The men move to Sydney, Australia where they all meet by chance, calling themselves The Three Musketeers. This is where the story develops. The reader experiences the trials and tribulations these men experience during and after their divorces. We listen to the ramblings of broken men who can’t be seen as weak. They don’t know how to talk about their emotions and/or feelings in a healthy way. We watch how they do handle life, which isn’t very pretty.
Readers will have different opinions regarding how the story ends for Tony and Steve. David’s ending, where he meets his match, will have readers hoping for the best for him.
The book is dark as the story is rough. Derek Haines strength is developing his characters, and he does an extraordinary job describing three distasteful men who deal with their circumstances in the only way they knew how. While doing so, he does offer his readers a different perspective in the difficult matter of the hell of divorce.
27th March 2011
Reviewed by Natalie Valentina
This a review of Dead Men (Kindle)
This time, Derek Haines goes more Dostojewski, than Adams, more boulevard of broken dreams, than the creation Of Sun and Moon by Michelangelo
It is a dark, angry, journey in to the dept of the souls of 3 friends in Australia, the three Musketeers, who go trough the hell of divorce. They haven’t learned to deal with failure, mistakes, loss and guilt. Like wounded wild animals, driven in the corner, they fight back in the only language they know. The characters are not very likable in the beginning. But Derek Haines manages to give them depth and credibility, a real three dimensional shape and the more you read about them, almost something like a sympathies, or compunction…
You might not like their decisions, but you get to understand them. Because they genuinely believe that they have no other choice. The retributive justice “an eye for an eye” is anchored so deep in our society, and those mens hearts, that it is not questioned at all… Read it for yourselves, I am not giving any more away…
I like the shade of hope, for at least one of the protagonists, that Derek gives us in the end..
Its not a easy read, specially not one for kids, or youths. Its raw, brutally honest and genuine. But if you like to be taken on a roller coaster ride to hell and back, this is certainly a book for you!
25th March 2011
Couldn’t put it down, March 21, 2011
By George Goehl (Southern Indiana)
Amazon Verified Purchase
This review is from: Louis (Kindle Edition)
This novel definitely held my interest. Lots of twists and turns. Filled with interesting characters. Reading this book was time well spent.
21st March 2011
‘February The Fifth’: Doug Adams Meets Dan Brown — Sorta
Review by Debbi Mack
This review is for: February The Fifth (Kindle)
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away … no, that’s a whole ‘nuther movie. This book takes place in the future. In a place that has no less than 12 sun systems. Twelve, as in the number of months in the calendar. Aha! The rulers of this empire comprised of the 12 sun systems are a Gregorian clan with names taken from said same calendar. Got that?
In other words, February the Fifth is a person. In fact, February is the person who ends up becoming successor as the new “Supreme Potentate,” aka, leader of the empire after his father dies (or is he killed?) even though he is an ill-prepared, acne-plagued and fairly lazy, well, fool. The news of his dad’s and brothers’ deaths are delivered by a dour messenger with the most peculiar name of Snurd Humped. (More on him later.)
So, anyway, February goes to his lovely sisters — April, May and June (what else?) — for assistance. Lord knows, he can use it. Despite all indications to the contrary, Feb (for short) manages to rise to the occasion and take the oath properly. Through contact with a special orb, Feb is infused with leadership qualities. Hello? Things have changed.
Then things get really interesting when someone tries to, um, terminate Feb with extreme prejudice. (Yeah, another movie. I know, I know …)
In fact, Feb and the sisters have to take it on the run. They bring along a couple of allies, including a fellow named Stringley, who’s handy at tea making and backgammon, and the aforesaid dour messenger Snurd, whose lost his taste for his former bureaucratic post, I suppose.
Now … what follows gets REALLY exciting. Big spaceships piloted by lizardlike creatures. But nice ones! Explosions as they’re attacked. By their own people! Good grief! Running and hiding. Trips to strange new planets. Historical recountings. Understanding the family’s roots.
To say too much here would reveal spoilers. Let’s just say that the Catholic Church and the planet Earth are both key to the plot. Thus, Douglas Adams meets Dan Brown … sorta. Except without albinos, the Louvre or the number 42. So, it’s different. Really.
Derek Haines manages to deftly skewer political maneuvering and/or family dysfunction/backstabbing, while telling an exciting story about a hapless underachiever who’s forced to suddenly grow up and take responsibility (aka, a coming-of-age story) by dealing with an insurrection.
Okay, so … a few peccadilloes. Do I wish some double skips had been inserted between a few scenes, here and there? Sure. Could a few words have been sacrificed to editing? Sure. Did I read the book, anyway? Yes, absolutely! Why? Because I really loved it. The story grabbed me right away. It’s a lighthearted, funny read with a serious point. A great combination.
And I laughed out loud many a time. But I’m a kid at heart, so I do that sort of thing.
Er, is it really a spoiler to say it ends well? I don’t think so. To be more accurate, I’d say it pretty much does.
15th March 2011
Book Review by Mary Crocco
This review is from: Louis (Kindle)
Derek Haines describes his friend, Louis, as an enigma. He reflects how Louis was someone who taught him how to imagine. Haines engages his readers to travel alongside Louis to all parts of the world. At the end of the trip, we all wish we were friends of Louis.
Teremum was born in Cairo. As a young boy, his almost non-existent family contributed to a perfect resume for being a spy in the British Secret Service. As a spy, Louis led a secret life where he used both his Egyptian and English heritage to his advantage. He used different names to match his secret identities. He was a compassionate man who completed his missions with integrity. As a spy, he had to kill and also be a target. We feel his triumphs and his pain as we travel with Louis.
Louis is a historical fiction, and the author shares his secret life during both World Wars. Readers feel the emotions, the ups and downs, that Louis experiences. One of my favorite phrases in the book is . . . his mind started to wander the corridors of his life again. Derek Haines’s words sum up how Louis felt after suffering a severe stroke. Throughout the book, Derek once again makes us feel his characters true to life.
The ending was abrupt. I selfishly wanted the last chapter expounded. Without spoiling the ending, I am thinking, maybe a sequel Derek?
Original Link
10th March 2011
Review By Eric
Goodreads Reader
This review is for: February The Fifth (Kindle)
I wanted to do this without making comparisons to other books, I really did, but when it comes right down to it, my first impression of Derek Haines’ new book February the Fifth is the one that stuck with me. February the Fifth is like The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy meets Sir Apropos of Nothing, which is to say, my kind of twisted.
You have the young fool who has no business being a success at anything, yet ends up being very important to the future of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. You also have the Supreme Potentate more-or-less stealing a ship in order to find the truth on a distant and wholly unremarkable planet. And, just to make things interesting, several puns revolving around the Gregorian calendar. If you’re anything like me, this all adds up to a fun and humorous story, perfect for making people question your sanity while you’re giggling over it on the bus.
27th February 2011
