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The MacDonald’s Vampire

Vampire at MacDonaldsI have been asked numerous times why I don’t write in popular genres such as romance, paranormal, vampire, urban fantasy or stories that involve wizards and pixies. Well, the honest answer is that I am just plain hopeless at it. But in an attempt to pacify the calls, here’s a good example of why.

The MacDonald’s Vampire

Reggie tried to stay cucumber cool, but with the prospect of his life changing moment arriving unexpectedly, he could only manage a sixteen year old, hot and eager to trot type of coolness. Agatha had taken him by surprise in accepting – over the last munches of cold MacDonald’s French fries – his nervous invitation back to his house, which was as of that very morning, parent and sibling free. He had escaped the three day visit to his grandparents by having the good fortune of a compulsory maths exam the following day.

He couldn’t believe his luck as they walked hand in hand in the evening moonlight towards his house. Agatha was also feeling lucky, fighting hard to keep her appetite and fangs under control until the anticipated moment arrived. She took a deep breath, which Reggie misunderstood completely, and settled her sweet ‘Pollyanna’ persona back into place.

Taking no chances, Reggie guided Agatha to the sofa and passed on any preliminaries. His fondling was surprisingly and warmly accepted, so he ventured immediately up the back of Agatha’s blouse and tried his hand at one hand unclipping. He’d studied this on the Internet for hours but was discovering that it was not an easy skill at all. It was a difficult three clipper, and after managing two, the last one just wouldn’t budge.

As he surrendered his one handed, ham-fisted method for a two handed attack, his attention moved from Agatha’s eyes and towards his stubborn target. This was a mistake on Reggie’s part, as if he had stayed gooey-eyed with her he probably would have noticed a remarkable change coming over Agatha’s eyes and dental arrangement. As he fumbled away, Agatha’s hand placement and motion gave Reggie the distinct feeling that his Levi’s were really to tight for this type of situation.

Finally, Reggie succeeded with a ‘snap’ that made Agatha jump a little but Reggie was too busy now, seeking the prizes he had fought so hard to win. As he ran his hands around to the front of Agatha’s blouse, he was reassured of her approval by the gentle way she was kissing his neck. He was busy with his rewards, while Agatha was busy finding the perfect spot for her own sanguineous reward.

‘I’ll get the suitcases Mary!’ Reggie’s father’s booming voice announced as the front door suddenly burst open. ‘Ok, I’ll get Susie to bed and call the doctor,’ Reggie’s mum replied.

The moment was lost. Reggie cursed his young sister while Agatha tidied herself and slipped out effortlessly through the living room window. Into the night – despondent, desirous and delightfully dangerous.



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17 comments

  1. Pri Mayirp

    30/06/2011 at 3:08 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Let me be brutally honest. I think you can convert this into an excellent little novella..or at least a tidy short story by mixing both horror, satire or even parody of the recent vampire craze of the teens. This simply isn't you being silly, this is you being at your best!! And no. It was silly at all. Your tweet really misguided me. lol

  2. Derek Haines

    30/06/2011 at 3:12 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    This will never be expanded upon Pri!!! But thanks for the compliment. :)

  3. Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason

    30/06/2011 at 3:51 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Made me laugh Derek. A brilliant and funny parody of a much overworked genre mate. :) )

  4. Derek Haines

    30/06/2011 at 7:57 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    So, novel material Jack? But how will I find an excuse to include a Cosmic Cruiser or two?

  5. NatValCas

    30/06/2011 at 8:26 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Derek's going Twilight! *facepalm* but to write something like that, in that style, you would first need a frontal lobotomy…

  6. Derek Haines

    30/06/2011 at 8:29 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    So that's a yes then Natalie? :) And as Tom Waits so famously said, 'i'd much prefer a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.'

  7. Cheri

    01/07/2011 at 3:55 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    I understand all too well your desire not be typecast as a writer.

  8. Cheri

    01/07/2011 at 5:35 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    oops, I don't think that came out the way I meant it. I mean not hemmed up in one genre.

  9. bittenbyspain

    01/07/2011 at 7:34 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    An enjoyable little venture into the twilight world, regrettably made entirely unbelievable by the fact that anyone knows that vampires would eschew frequenters of MacDonalds on the basis that they would be entirely tasteless ;-)

  10. Derek Haines

    01/07/2011 at 7:46 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    I agree Bittenbyspain. The' Evil 3 Golden Arched Empire' has been highly successful in removing all semblance of taste from potentially palatable adolescents. :)

  11. Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason

    01/07/2011 at 7:51 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    I was reading on another blog – http://elizabethlang.blogspot.com/2011/06/in-ether-news-from-southern-next-big.html

    That the literary world is looking out for "The Next Big Thing". It was suggested that Vampires and Werewolves have been done to death. Would you believe that perhaps stories featuring Mermaids could be it?

    Now I know that the establishment publishers are desperate, but really… :)

  12. Derek Haines

    01/07/2011 at 7:54 am (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Well Jack, I think Mermaids would have me all at sea and out of my depth! :)

  13. Aruna

    18/10/2011 at 12:48 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Please add a sequel to this ‘vampire venture’ ……

    1. Derek Haines

      18/10/2011 at 1:08 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

      I actually wrote it as a joke Aruna. Should I change genres and make a book of it? Lol
      Derek Haines recently posted..Authors – The Chilling RealityMy Profile

      1. Aruna

        18/10/2011 at 1:17 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

        To be honest, I don’t like vampire stories – but really liked ur trial run.

  14. Betty Dravis

    18/10/2011 at 9:16 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

    Well, Derek, you’ve pulled off an excellent short story here; satiric, clever, original, exciting and amusing. Vamps meet at McDonald’s… This should appeal to everyone.

    I’d like to see this included in a book of short stories by you. Don’t let it go to waste.

    Keep writing and best of luck.

    Hugs – Betty

    1. Derek Haines

      18/10/2011 at 9:25 pm (UTC 2) Link to this comment

      Thank you Betty. It has really surprised me how many people like this little tale. It was really meant as a joke when I wrote it, as I have no idea whatsoever about vampires and paranormal. But perhaps I should do a little learning :)
      Derek Haines recently posted..Authors – The Chilling RealityMy Profile

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