Derek’s Vandalism of Words

iPhone 4 Insanity Hits Small Village

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 11:15:00 +0000

During a short trip to my local shopping centre this morning, I witnessed first hand the frenzy that is Apple iPhone 4 insanity.

Now as some of you may know, I live in a small village on the quiet shores of Lake Geneva and our excitement usually comes in the form of hearing the sound of cow bells in the morning. But not today. A queue had formed by early morning leading to the now guarded doors of our local Swisscom shop. The length of the queue defied our last census, as I am sure there were more people in the queue than actually live here.

I would have liked to publish a real photo of the event, but the number of people indicated to me that many must have taken a day off work to join the maddeningly long wait and I didn’t want to incriminate them with their bosses who were probably under the impression that they were all at aunty Trudi’s funeral in Geneva.

Having heard all the stories about ‘antennagate’ and all number of frightening rumours about the iPhone 4, it seems no one has been deterred. It doesn’t seem to matter if it actually works or not. It’s a new iPhone, so therefore it is a must have for everyone in our village.

Even though I am a self confessed Apple addict, I will wait a while. I don’t like queues all that much. And as it takes thirty minutes to say hello, and another thirty to say goodbye in our area, this morning’s queue could take months to be cordially processed.

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The Imagination Gland

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

I am often asked where I find my ideas. Well, ideas is quite a compliment as I would more accurately describe them as irrational thoughts carelessly transferred into text (most often in Arial as I quite like the plainness of this font) and then irresponsibly published on either paper or in the gaseous cloud we have come to call the internet. My ultimate aim is to be published on either papyrus or granite, but I am told that this idea is rather backward looking.

Anyway, I have digressed from the title of this blog post.

To cut to the quick of it, I have discovered that by some strange freak of nature and clearly a small mix up in my DNA processing, I have ended up with and extra and rather odd gland. It is located quite inconveniently in my right cheek, and tends to swell at the most embarrassing of times. Over the years I have learned to have some limited control over it. If I grit my teeth firmly shut, the gland tends to stay quiet and flaccid. But if I allow my teeth to part, my tongue immediately goes into action and titillates the gland to a lumpy, cheeky sort of lump protruding from my right jowl.

In this state it is almost impossible to speak, although guffawing is possible with some effort. With limited oral communicative ability I find that it is the best time for me to get a pen or a keyboard and start writing pronto.

After conducting a lot of research over a period of about two minutes, I discovered that I may not be the only person in the world with this extra gland affliction. (Check the accompanying picture as proof.) I am happy about this, because I really do not want to feel as though I am a singular freak of nature.

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Summer Sucks

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Summer is only just over a month old and already I have had enough. Enough heat, enough salad, enough cold chicken, enough ice cream.

Now for all you summer lovers this may come as a surprise to learn that there are people like me who just literally detest summer. Having been born and raised in a hot, dry, arid and altogether unpleasant climate in the far, dry west of Australia, I have to tell you I have seen and felt enough boiling sunshine, hot sand and salt water to last a life time.

Since my accidental transportation and relocation to Switzerland I have been in my absolute element enjoying the comfort and epicurean delights of bitingly cold winters, chilly springs and crisp, golden autumns. But the summer still sucks.

So from late June through to the end of August I remain in a grumpy mood as I wait for September to herald the start of my nine months of bliss. The big, big, big event on my personal calendar is the start of the ‘chasse’ or hunting season in late September. Not because I like hunting at all, but I do like the end result on my plate and I munch away heartily in the full knowledge that my meal of wild pig and fruits confirms that at last the hot days of summer are just a memory.

Damn. Still two more months of sweating to suffer.

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The Democracy Gravy Train

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

I am not going to mention any names here, but paying for your mistress’s flat, your Havana cigar habit, your girl friend’s jewellery and dining on champagne and caviar from the public purse proves that democracy is as corrupt as any ‘ocracy’ or ‘ism.

We are so easily fooled every time we are asked to vote and choose between one, two or possibly three equally lying and corrupt career politicians who in fact all belong to the same venal club. The ruling elite. Really is there any difference between the old Rhodesia under Ian Smith or the newer Zimbabwe under Robert Mugabe? Think about it? What has really changed?

While our current bunch of world leaders generally give an outward veneer of respectability, you do not have to scratch too deep to find greed, sleaze, pay-offs and half, if not full untruths. Freedom, liberty, human rights, equality and truth are all very negotiable and malleable principles for the ‘haut monde’ who still hold dear to the belief that war is still a honourable political tool.

Whether it be Middle East peace, African education, third world poverty, global warming, unchecked industrial pollution or torture and human trafficking, all ‘political lip service’ causes are continually swept aside as there is truly no real political motivation for real action.

The only action you ever see is when something goes astray with the one and only political reality. The economy. Or more precisely, the money that belongs to the ruling elite. If you want to fully understand politics, follow the money trail and forget any fruitless hopes you may have or have had about political fairness or ethical behaviour. It will never, never happen.

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Cambridge Advanced English - Key Word Transformations

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

One of my favourite Cambridge examination components was key word transformation . It truly was a test of a student’s knowledge of English at both First Certificate and Advanced levels.

However it is also a great exercise for accomplished writers. I still love doing them as it fine tunes my writing skills by having to constantly search for alternatives.

So just for fun, why don’t you see how you go with these examples.

For Questions 1-12, complete the second sentence so that it has a similar meaning to the first sentence, using the word given. Do not change the word given. You must use between three and six words, including the words given.

1 This is your third warning from me this week about being late for work.
NOT
This is the third time this week I……………………………be late for work.

2 I think Anita must have gone on a diet recently because she's quite slim now.
HAS
It looks as…………………………….dieting because she's quite slim now.

3 I always hated pasta when 1 was a child but now I cook it regularly.
USE
I…………………………pasta when I was a child but now 1 cook it regularly.

4 I went to have my own look at the apartment and 1 couldn't understand why my
friend wanted us to live in such a depressing place!
SEE
Having………………………………..myself, I couldn't understand why my friend
wanted us to live in such a depressing place!

5 We wanted to continue our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.
LIKE
We……………………………on with our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.

6 I want to inform you that I was not satisfied with the standard of service in your
hotel.
EXPRESS
I would……………………………………with the standard of service in your hotel.
7 I wanted to stay in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.

SOONER
I……………………………………..in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.
8 Didn't you want me to tell the staff about your resignation?
RATHER
Would………………………………………the staff know about your resignation?

9 I didn't stop worrying about the wild animals until we were safe inside camp.
ONLY
It was……………………………………………………….safety of camp that I
Stopped worrying about the wild animals.

10 Steve's one topic of conversation is the time he spent as a pilot.
EVER
The time he spent as a pilot …………………………………………………..about.

11 After arriving at the airport, we realised that our passports were still at home.
UNTIL
It…………………………………………………at the airport that we realised our
passports were still at home.

12 When Michael's boat began to sink, he sent a signal for help.
DID
When Michael's boat began to sink, what ……………………………………..a signal
for help.

Now please don’t ask for answers! You are all fine writers of English.

These examples came from the Practise English blog. More examples can be found by searching for CAE and FCE Key Word Transformations in any search engine.

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How Easy Is This?

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

This is my first attempt at a full blog post written and created totally on my iPad. For all that has been written and said about the iPad, there is nothing I can add. Except maybe one thing. The only 'poo pooing' I have read has been from people who don't own an iPad.

From a personal perspective, it does exactly what I bought it to do. Be a convenient way to access and consume the Internet and offer the means to do a little writing from time to time. These things it does brilliantly. Especially the auto spell check and replace. Does wonders for my habitually bad typing and spelling.

I digressed. This post is not about my iPad but about dogs. Well I should say a solitary puppy. As the proud new master of a beautiful black cocker spaniel, I am now fully occupied with all things puppy. Wonderful fun, looks of admiration, walks in the rain, the smell of freshly laid puppy poo and a balcony now taking on the unique aroma of house breaking.

Squeaky little rubber toys littering the floor and decorative chewing patterns on the legs of the coffee table. When combined with late night crying and yelping in the vain effort to advise his long distant mother that he is out of the nest and doing fine it makes for a wonderfully close if not a constantly 'NO!' punctuated relationship.

Then a little lick of my toes and we are the best of friends again. I have stated his training immediately, and after only two days he now knows how to sit under a café table while I drink a beer or coffee. He's a super fast learner.

I will keep you updated on his progress.

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The Sequel Temptation

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

I am in the middle of a dilemma at present. It is this. Do I write a Milo Moon sequel or not?

On one hand I know that I myself enjoy books that are in a series or a sequel or two. Ian Rankin’s Inspector Rebus, the Straun family saga from James Clavell and of course Douglas Adam’s famous five part trilogy of Hitchhiker stories are great enjoyable examples.

But then again I have a sense that some stories are best left to stand by themselves. 1984, Brave New World and Atlas Shrugged screamed out to be left alone and not regurgitated in a new form.

There are also the over exploited themes such as Rocky movies which became only worse and worse as each sequel was released. Even one of my favourite movies, Star Wars, lost its shine with each new movie as did The Blues Brothers sequel.

Maybe I am on the wrong track. Perhaps it is just movie sequels that have the potential to be stinkers where books have a seemingly better chance of maintaining the quality in sequels.

Or perhaps deep down I have had my fill of Milo Moon and would love to have an excuse to write a cooking book with delicious pictures.

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I Love Lutte

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

One of the great things about moving countries is discovering new sports to get mad about. For me, my greatest discovery since moving to Switzerland is Lutte. Or Swiss Wrestling.

It’s a very simple idea in that you want to pin your opponent’s back to the ground. But the execution is of course much more difficult and requires not only strength, but balance and skill. So excited am I about it, my wife has bought me a traditional blue ‘lutte’ shirt complete with edelweiss!

For those unfamiliar with lutte, here is a short video that will give you a better idea of why I am such a fan. Of course, being a fan of lutte means plenty of beer and wine drinking, so it really fits my lifestyle rather well.

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World Cup - Game of Shame

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

As the pinnacle event in the football (or soccer) calendar, what a disgusting display of bad sportsmanship and thuggery it turned out to be. It was a disgrace.

In no other sport does a referee or umpire have such little respect. You would never see such childish arguing with a decision in basketball, rugby, ice hockey, American or Australian football. In other sports the referee’s decision is final, and arguing results in either sending off, or long term suspensions.

The infantile petulance of the players cannot be excused by the fact that it was a World Cup Final. Of course emotions are running high, but this is the pressure that true sportsmen and women thrive upon in many other high profile tournaments. True champions compete hard, but accept the rules of fair play and player conduct.

The Dutch coach showed how much respect he has by removing his medal immediately after receiving it.

The referee for the match did a wonderful job, and in the spirit of it being the biggest game, he tried very hard to give some leniency to players early in the game. In any other game, at least two players would have been sent off in the first half. However, instead of understanding that the referee was trying to keep the game alive and retain the spectacle for viewers world wide, the players continued with their thuggery and arguing to the end. From my view they shamed their nations.

In another respect, I can draw a parallel between unruly crowd behaviour and the example of a lack of respect for authority shown by the players. Football thuggery has been with us for over forty years now and refers to the followers of football. Is it any wonder? The 2010 World Cup Final was played by twenty-two thugs of the highest order.

If this was football’s showcase to the world, I think there will be millions of mums and dads around the world who have been appalled at the example set for their children.

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Playing With Words

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

This lovely list of puns arrived in my inbox recently. I tried to find the original version, but it seems it has been posted many, many times. If the original author finds this post, I would very much like to add the source.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired. (“tyred” in the UK and colonies)

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road … poultry in motion.

6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison … a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture … a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center … 'Keep off the Grass'

32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.

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Two Kinds Of Money

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Have you noticed that there are two distinct forms of money? Now I don’t mean currencies like dollars, yen and francs. What I mean is that there is a countable form of money, and an uncountable form of money. (Well, sounds a bit like grammar really. Countable and uncountable nouns.)

In my own case, as I am sure it is with you, I deal in countable money. That is to say that my telephone bill, electricity bill and meagre earnings are countable. 65.75, 89.23, and -150.00. Even if I compound my life’s earnings and expenditure, I still remain in the countable form of money. The kind that is round, ‘to go ‘round’ and flat ‘to stack’.

However in the last year or so, our daily news has been delivering countless stories of uncountable money. Losses accumulated by banks now total a zillion, trillion, quadrillion megabillions. And to offset this, governments around our ever more money hungry world have been throwing zillions of trillions of quadrillions of megabillions at these poor banks in the hope that one fine day soon, these banks will be able to pay taxes of a zillion, trillion, quadrillion megabillions back to these governments.

All makes perfect sense really.

Oh! By the way and just in passing. Message to the EU and US central banks.

I am a bit short this month. Any chance of lending me 50 bucks so I can feed myself?

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Prince Charles Is Not Homosexual

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

I just adore negative headlines. They are so easy to conjure up and then it’s a breeze to write an article. Stumbling across this so called new article recently titled, 10 Things Steve Jobs Won't Announce at Apple's WWDC, I was astonished to notice that the first paragraph rejoiced in giving this article a sub-title of ‘News Analysis’.

Well, if this is indeed news analysis, I think I might get into some in-depth news analysis myself.

Why don’t I start with a few incisive and believable news analysis type headlines and see how far I can get before being sued for libel.

‘Madonna Did Not Have A Sex Change’

‘5 Things That Won’t Happen This Year’

‘Obama Was Not Born In Alaska’

‘There Was No Earthquake In New York Yesterday’

‘John F. Kennedy Was Not A Cuban Exile’

‘Steve Jobs Will Not Get A Seat On Google Board’

‘10 Reasons Why Russia Will Not Invade Papua New Guinea’

‘Elvis Is Not Living In Turkey’

My list of negatively formed headlines is positively endless. I could have so much fun ranting on for hours about things that never happened or will never happen or are so blatantly untrue it is a cinch to prove that they are untrue and sound credible while I’m at it.

‘Derek Haines Confirms He Is Not Filthy Rich’

I don’t want to say anymore.

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Killed Music. Now Let’s Kill Books.

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 16:00:00 +0000

For anyone who keeps an eye on live concerts, it is quite clear that musicians of all ages, genres, shapes and sizes needs to perform live to make a crust nowadays. In days past our well known and often extremely famous singers and musicians could have retired on their royalties from recordings. But not anymore.

Just in the coming weeks I have a choice of wonderful concerts to choose from. Status Quo, Deep Purple, Phil Collins, Iggy Pop and, need I say more?

I think my point here is clear. Recorded music isn’t worth a cracker anymore, so musicians and singers have to do what musicians and singers do. Perform.

But what if this same pattern of file sharing, cheapening, discounting and give-away marketing happens to books? Which I must say is already underway with the recent advent and popularity of the 0.99 and free e-book market. Will we as consumers do the same with books as we did with music? Collect it like crazy on our hard drives and then proceed to never listen to it or read it?

I have a very bad feeling that the proliferation of electronic e-book readers is going to have an ‘iPod’ effect. That is that the collection of e-books will represent a ratio of about 95% free material and 5% paid.

So what will writers and authors do? They can’t perform ‘live’ like musicians and singers now can they?

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Microsoft Follows Apple’s Fruit Lead

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

It seems Microsoft are really in a spot of bother at present. Judging by this recent article, they are starting to understand a little about product popularity, corporate image and how to possibly avoid peeing off customers.

Mind boggling as it may seem, Microsoft now seem to have come to grips with the ‘it just works’ idea as opposed to their long standing belief that they were selling their products solely to motor mechanics and computer scientists who would happily tweak and repair all day long.

However the article doesn’t mention the closely guarded rumour that has been circulating my living room about a change of name for the once powerful Microsoft. But believe me the hunt is on at the highest levels to find a suitable fruit that will replace the now staid, mechanical, disliked, old fashioned, Vista infected name that was once a symbol of all that was megalomanic.

It is abundantly clear now that the tech world is fruit dominated, so the search started at the letter B. It also stopped at the letter B.

No sooner had the word BANANA hit the exec’s desk, it was accepted with relish as a natural. As common as an Apple. Sweeter, longer, easier to peel and with a whole lot more potassium. Who ever saw a mega-rich tennis player eating an Apple? No. They always eat bananas. Instant pool of high profile sponsorships and endorsement to be had by a canny, newly fruit named tech company.

It also had the appeal of being a staple food of monkeys. What better food could illustrate the tech product consumer. All lining up like monkeys to buy any new shiny gadget. Monkeys with money and an unending appetite for pretty little boxes with wires and stuff inside.

Plans are already afoot to open hundreds of Banana Stores around the world with plans to install airport like queuing systems to control the expected queues of monke.., err, customers.

Sadly though. In my efforts to verify my facts it became abundantly clear that there was a fatal flaw in the new rumoured grand plan. Banana don’t make pretty little boxes with wires and stuff inside. They make very ugly and totally invisible stuff that somehow gets loaded onto your computer and then goes about being incompatible with anything it meets.

Maybe Turnip would have been a better choice.

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The Birth Of A Book

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

It may be of interest for some to learn that a book can start from the smallest and silliest idea. For me, the following brief and almost non-sensical notes began the process for what has now become my latest book, Milo Moon. From memory, I wrote these notes more than ten years ago, and then found the notes again a little over a year ago.

How they transformed into what is now a finalised book is still a mystery to me. However, you never know what a flower will look like by looking at a seed.

If you have read Milo Moon, good luck in finding the connection.

Spinning disks. Colourful. Falling from the sky. Floating, yet spinning. Coming closer. Full of children. One slamming into a roller door of a suburban garage at a racetrack located in the back yard of my grandmother’s house. Children killed.

Retiring to the garden at the side of my grandmother’s house. Watching our handbags being used as sprinklers. Deciding to walk home. Upset at the tragedy. Walking miles. To the house I lived in as a child. Two doors away from my grandmother’s house.

An old friend who I had never met (yet!) was already at home watching TV. Waiting for us. I approached the door with my wife, and entered the house of my childhood. Also with my other wife, who I had never met, but knew she was going to be my wife.

Three parallel universes. In the same place and time. Created to increase the economic output of Earth, as it was not meeting galactic quotas. Developed and implemented by the Central Galactic Economic Advisory Committee to accelerate the technological and economic output of Earth, so it could join the Western Orion economic zone, 7 million years ahead of schedule.

Life forces were in limited supply. Stories of souls by monks and priests were not far from the truth, but were used to explain and pacify ‘crossovers’. Heaven was used to explain re-bodying of life forces. Three parallel universes of Earth made better use of life forces as bodies were easy to produce but life forces were governed by a strict galactic quota.

Earth humans were way behind the rest of the universe. Third world like. The oligarchy were in charge of the plan. A ‘get rich quick scheme’ with many tax incentives.

Three way division of life forces had drawbacks. Only one third of each personality could be used in each universe. So each individual was incomplete. Hence no one was completely balanced as elsewhere in the universe. Leading to a breakdown in society values and behaviour. Needing new strictures and supervision. Police, military, government, churches. To control the inevitable lack of discipline one third of a human psyche could attain. There was no need for these controls in a single universe. It was hoped that three universes could be merged back into one in three or four million years once economic performance and technological evolution had been attained.

Dreams were crossover points. Ones that were impossible to eliminate because of the strength of a single life force. But were explained away as just dreaming. Occasionally a life force would wander too far from this dream state and realise the reality of the situation. In a three way split state, all dreams, fantasies, odd thoughts and déjà vu feelings were just consequences of the reality. Simple crossovers. The results of not being able to completely split a life force into three.

I was being briefed by Nimrod Kwic on a small hill overlooking Jerusalem. Why here? And why me? And why now?

Like him, I was a rare revert. The merging of my three split forces had been gaining pace in recent years. This was monitored by the authorities and any such occurrences were sent here. And where is here?

The fourth dimension. A holding reality. Where life forces exist on hold until the eventual merging back of the three spilt universes (Earths). Only a few million years to wait. But we had no actual reality. No bodies. We are complete and balanced, as there is no such thing as an imperfect life force. But because life forces are in limited supply, we are not to be wasted. Just kept on ice per se.

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Suckered In. Again.

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Steve Jobs has done it. Again. He has wilfully thrown my budgeting process into absolute chaos. No sooner have I finished shelling out for my must have iPad, he chucks a new iPhone into the swamp that are my finances.

There is a silver lining however. Not living in the US gives me a little more time to plan ahead for poverty in the name of Apple addiction. While our US friends have to join a queue almost immediately to satisfy the edict of he who is Steve, at least us non US folks have a little bit of time up our sleeves to at least wipe a month or two’s payments off of our Apple designated credit card before the latest Apple must have is available. (Not entering the cash debate here.)

While I know I really do not need video on my phone, and would probably hence never use video editing, and the practicality of Facetime only over wi-fi is really a non-event, and with my eyesight this new fangled retina display will serve no useful purpose for me, I know I just have to have a new iPhone 4G.

The reason is so simple. I have an iPhone and it is two years old. So I must now obey he who is Steve and make my regular donation to the new mega-monolithic-market-dominator. Just as I did in ancient times when I just had to shell out for Windows, Windows Me, Windows 95, Windows XP, Windows Windows every two years.

Apples, Windows, Whatever. It’s only money.

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I Can’t Do Sex

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

One of my abysmal failings as a writer has to be the fact that I just don’t do sex at all well. Every time I get to a situation that could well call for a little steam, I tend to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and move on with the story. Now I know that for some of my readers this can sometimes prove a little frustrating. A bit of a tease with no climax as such.

Well, the fact of the matter is that I do write steamy scenes. I couldn’t tell you how many I have written. But then I seem to always tear them up, or if they do survive in the first draft, they get the chop in the first edit. I always seem to feel that they are a little too graphic and then become a distraction from the main story line. Or perhaps I lack that sensual touch. (I lie in fact. One of my books does get into it. But I won’t tell you which one as my children might be reading this.)

The same seems to happen when gratuitous blood is called for. Juicy murders with hours of bleeding, suffering and agony just seem to be beyond me. Tools of torture and hideously cruel pages of suffering get chopped and replaced with a swift kick to the groin. Yes, I know. I should be ashamed.

But then again, I think I do a great job of describing trees, people’s eyes and cats with incredibly clever adjectives. Can’t do everything well I suppose.

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Remember Micro, Micro, Micro Who?

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

My daily delivery of news items seems to consist more and more of articles about Steve Jobs, Apple, new iPhones, Google and now, get this, Google TV. Then there is always a story about Adobe Flash and its war with Jobs. Throw in the ‘get on the band wagon’ journalists and bloggers who just can’t resist writing yet another story about the missing camera on the Apple iPad in the hope of snagging a few readers, and you have a daily dose of non-news.

Of course there are always a few other news stories concerning earthquakes, financial debacles, elections, corrupt politicians and priests. But fewer about tennis, Formula 1 and fortunately very few about Britney Spears.

Until finally today, an article made its way under my nose and caught my immediate attention. It concerned a name that I have not seen in the news for some time. A name that could soon be almost forgotten and condemned to the annuls of history it would seem by its lack of newsworthiness.

Microsoft!

Do you recall this name? Maybe if I mention Bill Gates it might prod your memory.

Oh sorry. Here’e the article that caught my attention.

I especially like the use of the word ‘flop’ in this article. It really had me thinking. What do Microsoft do? Well, apart from Microsoft Office and Explorer?

Vista? Ooops sorry.

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Fake Boob Explosion Threatens Swiss-Russian Relations

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Just when things couldn’t get any worse for the Swiss Government after diplomatic run-ins with the US, Libya, France and Germany to name a few, it seems now that relations with Russia might have been boobed as well.

A recent mid-air collision between the rear of a business class Swiss Airline seat and the extreme proportions of one of Miss Irene Ferrari’s bust implants, may prove explosive. This recent article and this one also explain the details of the collision and Miss Ferrari’s previous misadventures with air travel, her bazooka bust and her claims for damages.

As yet it is unsure if her much loved Chihuahua was caught between the seat back and her top heavy torpedoes during the freak accident.

A Swiss government spokesperson was anonymously quoted as saying that Miss Ferrari was due to attend a meeting to discuss her complaint. The forward sections of her boobs did in fact arrive politely on time, but all the attendees tired of waiting for her head and body to finally arrive and they had all left the meeting after waiting for some further thirty minutes for the mouth end of Miss Ferrari to make its way to the meeting.

Meanwhile an anonymous Russian spokesperson said it was all just a storm in an ‘F’ cup, and that he didn’t want either country to be caught in the middle.

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The Greedy Gas Guzzlers

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

As much as I am extremely concerned about the environmental and economic damage caused by the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, there is a cynical side to me that sadistically thinks it is ‘just desserts’ for a nation that has greedily guzzled cheap fuel while the rest of the world has economised on the use of fossil fuels.

Not just in the very recent years when ‘green’ has become popular centrist politics, but for the last forty years the US has shown that it is cheap oil that fuels its economy and any length justifies the means of monopolising the oil market. Perhaps your should read Bush Oil Administrations and Iraq Wars here.

So while the US continues to have a love affair with Hummers, gas guzzling pick up trucks, SUVs, V8s and 365/24/7 air conditioning, how can I really have much sympathy? Rather odd in my mind that the US government was ready to give the ‘green light’ to more close offshore oil drilling just days before this spill. I do not recall hearing a vocal opposition at that time. Almost everyone in the US was quite happy to find more cheap oil it seemed.

The other point that comes to mind with the advent of this disaster is the Katrina fiasco in New Orleans. Two examples now of the inefficiency of a ‘greed is good’ capitalist policy. The inability of the US to manage natural disasters is frightening for a super power state. Why is the government of the US looking on while it waits for BP to fix the problem? Where are the Federal agencies that should be responsible in such situations?

I have heard President Obama say a number of times that BP must pay for this. Well, whoopee doop! BP made $35 billion last year so money is no problem. The real problem is that President Obama is powerless to do anything. Except maybe ‘nuke’ it to plug the flow.

Oh I am really sure the population of the Gulf States would go for that.

As I recall a US general once said, America is very good at blowing things up, but not very good at fixing things. Oh too true.

Wake up America. Your Jed Clampett, Beverly Hillbillies fantasy days are well and truly over.

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iPhone 4 Secret Hidden Feature

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 06:00:00 +0000

With the release of the Apple iPhone 4 and iOS4, Steve Jobs has once again convinced the entire planet that they now need this new wonder device in their daily lives.

And any wonder why. This little miracle gadget can not only record video in super duper HD quality, but it can also edit video as well. Imagine, a whole video editing suite in the palm of your hand. Combined with its forward and backward cameras this little baby will surely make everyone a film director. I just can’t wait for the 3D capable version.

Then there is the high resolution screen that is so bright that Apple may have to consider adding a health warning and advise users to wear sunglasses while using the device. A gyroscope has been fitted to the gizzards of the iPhone 4, so it will now have the ability to stand, balanced on one edge for eternity. Incredible.

Then there is Face Time. A truly wonderful idea so long as you have a friend with a new iPhone 4 too, and you can both can find a hi-speed wi-fi connection at the very same time. Very ‘Jetsons’ ? Well, sort of.

The biggest new feature without a doubt is that the new iPhone 4 will have iAd. A great new innovation that will bombard users with incredibly credible non-stop in your face advertising 24/7 live in ALL applications. A truly novel idea and an experience I will just be drooling for until I can get my hands on this little baby.

Oh yes. The secret hidden feature I promised in the title I hear you ask.

While it is unconfirmed, it is believed that the new iPhone 4 will have the capability to make AND receive telephone calls. Complete with automatic drop-out and a brand new feature called ‘No Service When You Absolutely Need It’ or NSWYANI as it has been so cleverly named in beta versions.

To access this hidden feature, look for an inconspicuous green app button hidden in the bottom left hand corner of your home screen. Then press it and hope.

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Deep Purple and the Geriatric Generation

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

Oh dear. What a difference a short forty years can make.

Last evening my wife and I went along quite excitedly to get our dose of rock nostalgia and ear ringing. What could be better than Deep Purple live (well almost in fact) in concert? Smoke on the Water, Space Trucking and Woman from Tokyo. Just a few of the songs I was looking forward to hear live again. Albeit, to be performed by the now very old and grey haired gentlemen who are the remains of Deep Purple.

Well, I got the songs alright, but I really must have blasted my eardrums in my youth, as I couldn’t hear the guitar of Steve Morse at all. I was reassured when the crowd started shouting that they couldn’t either. It was not what I had expected. The volume of the concert hardly exceeded the volume of my iPod. All the other geriatrics around me seemed as disappointed as I was. This was not Deep Purple type loud. This was Doris Day type loud. I could even talk to my wife without shouting in her ear. Even hold a conversation while Child in Time mildly escaped from the huge stack of under-performing speakers directly in front of us. Oh, this was a tragic disappointment.

On the bright side however, the low volume allowed Ian Gillan to get away with having lost his voice. Without putting a finer point on it, I don’t think even a hard kick in the groin could help him get up there anymore. This wasn’t Deep Purple. This was Deep Disappointment or Deep Embarrassment.

Ironically, I noticed a good number of young people at the concert. Probably accompanying their grand parents for the evening I would imagine, as they seemed less than interested in the performance and more intent on adjusting their yellow foam earplugs. The irony for me was that it was my parents who wore the earplugs when I was playing my Deep Purple and Led Zeppelin records as a teenager. Have I gone through a time warp?

So in the end, we came home with our disappointed ears operating perfectly normally. Not even a hint of ringing. Cause for my money back I thought. But then again, what should I have expected from a bunch of geriatrics wandering around lost on stage?

Concerts are becoming a bit embarrassing for me now. I think I’m going to give away the idea of reminiscing my youth live in concert and stay with listening to my black vinyl 33 1/3 LP versions.

Either that, or start trying to acquire a taste for rap and go to concerts performed by artists who are actually breathing.

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A Calendar. Old Age. And Tomatoes.

derekhaines@mac.com — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

There are times when getting on a little can be very frustrating. Especially when it comes remembering things. My wife and I manage this quite well by making good use of our shared calendar.

However, when it comes to some critically important things that need remembering, an electronic calendar can be as useful as a piece of string tied around your finger. As we discovered recently. Both of us looked at the calendar entry that diligently did as it was supposed to do and gave a us a beeping and text reminder of this important event that clearly needed our attention.

“So what is it?” I asked my wife.
“I don’t know. You must have put it in there,” she replied.

Then we both looked carefully at the reminder again.

Reminder: 6:00pm TOMATOES

For the life of us we couldn’t remember what the hell it was that we were supposed to do with TOMATOES! Meet them? Pick them? Grow them?

The mystery remained until the following day when my wife suddenly had this look of instant superiority mixed with a little Cheshire Cat.

“I know!” she said.

It was fully an hour later that the light went on in my head as well. So what was the TOMATOES reminder all about?

Three weeks before, while having a long apero, we decided to make good use of some beautiful Italian sun dried tomatoes we had bought. We jarred them with olive oil, garlic, capers and parsley. Of course it then takes three weeks before they are ready to eat as antipasto. But clearly in our intoxicated culinary state one of us was sober enough to put a reminder in our calendar for our wonderful antipasto. However, neither of us were sober enough to remember doing it!

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What The Swiss Do In Summer

derekhaines@mac.com — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

It is easy to understand that when people think of Switzerland, they think of snow, glaciers, mountains, yodelling, chocolate and watches. A winter wonderland full of little chalets that look like cakes covered in white icing. Children skating on frozen lakes and families gathered around the dinner table eating fondue while the fireplace glows red with its warmth.

But how many think about Switzerland in summer? What do the Swiss do when there is no snow, green grass, sunshine, hot days and long warm twilight evenings?

Well, if you don’t know. I’ll tell you.

They all go to music festivals! Between June and August every year Switzerland is full to the brim of music festivals of all sizes, varieties and musical themes. From small village festivals lasting one or two days, set in the gardens of a small vineyard, to week long mega festivals such as Paleo and the Montreux Jazz Festival.

While concerts are of course performed all year round in Switzerland in concert halls and similar venues, it is the summer festival season that attracts the crowds. One example of the popularity is the Paleo Festival. This year, when the tickets went on sale, they sold out in less than an hour. And that was for 35,000 tickets for each of the 6 days of the festival!

So what is the attraction? It is simple. To enjoy the warm evenings in a sociable atmosphere of good music, good wine, good food and good friends. Could one ask for more?

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iPad. I Am In Love

derekhaines@mac.com — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 16:00:00 +0000

My new iPad, that wondrously magical and mystical device, arrived two days earlier than Steve Jobs promised. So it gave me a jump on the European pack clamouring for their own iPad.

So what is my verdict I can hear you ask.

Well, after a week of almost non-stop fondling and playing little ‘getting to know each other’ games, I have to say I’m in love. It is all as promised. Fast, reactive, extra-long battery life and very practical. I bought the leather Apple cover as well, and I would have to say that this is a must. Not only for protection, but as an ideal stand when typing.

A lot of what I have read about the iPad seems to compare it to a laptop and what it doesn’t have. No camera or USB for example. But it isn’t a laptop or netbook. A camera would wobble all the time if you were using Skype for example. And a USB would increase the bulk. Why would you need one anyway? Wireless works super fast to transfer anything.

For me it is the portability. Sitting on a café terrace drinking coffee and tapping out a chapter or two on Pages is just what I want. The email, contact app and photo app are just divine. Safari is very fast and the new apps written for iPad are sensational. I am in love with the ability to read newspapers that look like newspapers. The iBook app makes reading and e-book as close to the real thing as possible. I know, it doesn’t smell like a book, but maybe Apple are working on that.

Will it replace my Macbook? No. It is a device that is superb for absorbing content. However it has just enough input capabilities to make it very handy indeed for email, Twitter, Facebook and quietly tapping away if I feel the need to put a thousand words together. Oh, and looking a super clear and colourful photos of my grand kids.

Is it perfect? No way. There are still some gaps and glitches. The Pages app has a terrible file sync process. Really I would say for an Apple app it’s a shocker. Multitasking is really a necessity. Hopefully this will arrive with version 4.0. There is no search for photos. A print option would be a big help, as would Airtunes to play music through wi-fi speakers.

After an hour or so of use, the screen looks like a camel sneezed all over it. A simple wipe with an iPhone or iMac cleaning cloth works just fine. So why did Apple think it necessary not to include one with an expensive new iPad. Oh Apple! You cheapskates!

All in all though, I’m extremely happy and know that being an early adopter means a few little annoyances for a few months. But they are really so few. For me my iPad is just brilliant.

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