For those who have read Milo Moon, you will know that my dislike of Wednesday makes a grand appearance on the very first page. But what you may not know is the reason I dislike this day of the week so much. Some have mentioned that I was influenced by Douglas Adams and Arthur Dent’s dislike for Thursdays. For this I thank you and wish I had been so clever. But alas my dislike is at a different level.

Firstly, it is a nothing day. It is never mentioned in conversation as there is nothing really ever to talk about. Can you recall anyone saying that they couldn’t wait until Wednesday because they were meeting an old friend for lunch. I don’t think anyone even goes to the hairdresser on a Wednesday. It’s hardly the biggest party day of the week. Having your birthday fall on a Wednesday is an awful thing too. Roughly every seven years you really notice the lack of gifts you receive on a Wednesday birthday.

Then there is the fact that it falls smack bang in the middle of the week so you know there is just as long to the weekend as it was back to the one before. Who goes to the cinema on a Wednesday? A restaurant for dinner? I think most churches give it a big miss as well. Television channels have known about this phenomenon for years and only broadcast old repeated crud on a Wednesday evenings.

You could probably argue that Tuesday and Thursday are lamentably boring as well, but at least they are reasonably easy to spell. They are also the two great days of the week to take a phoney sick day off work as not even the the most suspicious of bosses would believe your were not very unwell.

In ending, I should tell you which day is my favourite. It is tomorrow. The day I do everything.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

The word bitterness has some wonderfully colourful synonyms. Try these for size. Resentment, rancour, indignation, grudge, spite, sullenness, sourness, churlishness, moroseness, petulance, pique, peevishness; acrimony, hostility, malice, virulence, antipathy, antagonism, enmity, animus, friction, vitriol, hatred, loathing, venom, poison, nastiness, ill feeling, ill will and of course, bad blood.

As a writer these words inspire my imagination and give me more than enough fodder to start clacking away on my keyboard as I conjure up situations where these gloriously wicked words can be played out in my characters’ emotions. I can tease them and play with their minds and reactions to meet my writing ends. What better lexical playground to plot murder, revenge and ‘lip licking’ criminal plots.

However, even though we all espouse sweetness and friendliness in our own lives, the words that describe these feeling are just plain insipid.

When you put them together it just makes a writer want to literally throw up. So sickeningly sweet are they. Look at this awful gooey list. Amiable, genial, congenial, cordial, warm, affectionate, demonstrative, convivial, companionable, sociable, gregarious, outgoing, comradely, neighbourly, hospitable, approachable, easy to get on with, accessible, communicative, open, unreserved, easygoing, good-natured, kindly, benign, amenable, agreeable, obliging, sympathetic, well-disposed, benevolent; informal chummy, buddy-buddy.

Oh give me bitterness any day and save the sweetness for dessert recipes.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I feel privileged to have been interviewed by Dorothy Dreyer today. Why not pop on over to her wonderful blog and check out her other interviews as well.


Also make sure to visit her main website and her portfolio.


For those of you on Twitter, you can follow Dorothy: @DorothyDreyer








Thanks again Dorothy.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Today sees the publication of my new book Vandalism of Words. It is a little unusual, as for now it is being released as an e-book only and at two very distinct prices.

Free and US$0.99.

Why two prices I hear you ask. Well obviously the free option is not a price, but 0.99c is.

My logic is this. If a reader wants to download and read this book for free, they are more than welcome and I hope they enjoy the stories and anecdotes. However, if a reader thinks that I could do with some nourishment and protein, they can select the option of paying 0.99c and contribute to my food fund via Smashwords or Amazon Kindle.

A third alternative is of course to download the free version, read, and then feel guilty and return to buy the 0.99c version.

The fourth option doesn’t appeal to me very much, but I suppose it is to ignore this book completely and not get into a twist about making decisions tinged with guilt. This option gives one a guilt free feeling, but be careful about lingering curiosity.

So what is this new book about?

Great question. The answer is so splendidly simple. This book is about anything, everything and nothing. It is an ideal companion on a bus or train where regular interruptions are guaranteed as every part of this book is very, very short. Ideal also for parents of young children who get interrupted a lot by screaming, crying and toilet training. Great too for those with a limited attention span. There are around about 140 thoughts, stories, anecdotes and too good not to use again blog postings from the past year. All neatly packaged into one convenient book.

If you are curious, pop over to my website to make a choice.

If you are not interested or curious then do not click this link!


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

There seems to have been some confusion created by my intrepid little character Milo Moon. In recent weeks I have received a number of messages and emails asking if I am indeed Milo Moon. Where this notion came from is beyond me. I have also had some disturbing questions regarding our relationship.

Just to set the story straight, Milo Moon is indeed an odd little man, but he is now living a happy life in retirement in central Switzerland with his pancake cooking lady companion Mary. The rumours that have been spread about me visiting him every second Sunday are totally untrue as is the maliciously fictitious gossip about him getting drunk over dinner and spending a number of Saturday nights in my spare bedroom.

Milo Moon does communicate with the world on occasions via a proxy connection to my server, but this is as far as our complicity extends. As he has been travelling to all corners of the world in recent weeks, he does need the flexibility of a roaming connection, so I have been happy to oblige.

I did however receive a note from Mary saying she was concerned that his excessive travelling might have a negative effect on his fragile health, and that she had found a way to freeze pancakes. Milo though has not communicated with me directly in recent months, but has instead resorted to using innuendo in some of his remarks hinting that I may indeed be a nasty person.

With this little update I hope that I have made the situation clear. Milo Moon is not me. He has never slept in my spare bedroom. He does have a proxy Twitter connection which I do not control. I am not a nasty person.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

It is quite clear that the 140 character social networking site Twitter has been swamped with squatting writers. Paranormal, vampire, romance, erotica, scifi, detective, aspiring and of course self-help and auto-biographical, just to name a few of the genres of delinquent lay about scribblers taking up valuable Twitter space at the expense of people with more productive pursuits.

In trying to expand my mind, and of course my reading demographic, I tried with little success to weed out more constructive people to follow such as butchers, motor mechanics and insurance agents. I did come across a few crocheters and knitters, but fell short on dry cleaners and cabinet makers.

While doctors of all types of self proclaimed fame were in abundance, nurses, theatre assistants and orderlies came up as a blank. Bankers seem to be totally avoiding Twitter as well as dentists and plumbers. A few fast food outlets but very few chefs.

Perhaps it is time Twitter started putting limits on certain types of habitually creative and arty Twitter users and promoting its valuable service to the more industrious and useful professions. Maybe advertising on Linkedin might attract more energetic and industrious types who could bring their acumen to the service.

Some real world tweets about real things that are happening in their daily lives. The number of insurance policies sold in a day, tales of unblocked kitchen sinks, successful varicose vein operations and how to rotate the tyres on you car for maximum mileage. Useful stuff.

As any of you familiar with the Douglas Adams will know, Twitter is in danger of resembling the famous expedition to Earth 2 where progress was very slow after their arrival due the indecision about what colour fire should be before it was introduced to the market.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I am often asked where I find my ideas. Well, ideas is quite a compliment as I would more accurately describe them as irrational thoughts carelessly transferred into text (most often in Arial as I quite like the plainness of this font) and then irresponsibly published on either paper or in the gaseous cloud we have come to call the internet. My ultimate aim is to be published on either papyrus or granite, but I am told that this idea is rather backward looking.

Anyway, I have digressed from the title of this blog post.

To cut to the quick of it, I have discovered that by some strange freak of nature and clearly a small mix up in my DNA processing, I have ended up with and extra and rather odd gland. It is located quite inconveniently in my right cheek, and tends to swell at the most embarrassing of times. Over the years I have learned to have some limited control over it. If I grit my teeth firmly shut, the gland tends to stay quiet and flaccid. But if I allow my teeth to part, my tongue immediately goes into action and titillates the gland to a lumpy, cheeky sort of lump protruding from my right jowl.

In this state it is almost impossible to speak, although guffawing is possible with some effort. With limited oral communicative ability I find that it is the best time for me to get a pen or a keyboard and start writing pronto.

After conducting a lot of research over a period of about two minutes, I discovered that I may not be the only person in the world with this extra gland affliction. (Check the accompanying picture as proof.) I am happy about this, because I really do not want to feel as though I am a singular freak of nature.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

One of my favourite Cambridge examination components was key word transformation . It truly was a test of a student’s knowledge of English at both First Certificate and Advanced levels.

However it is also a great exercise for accomplished writers. I still love doing them as it fine tunes my writing skills by having to constantly search for alternatives.

So just for fun, why don’t you see how you go with these examples.










For Questions 1-12, complete the second sentence so that it has a similar meaning to the first sentence, using the word given. Do not change the word given. You must use between three and six words, including the words given.


1 This is your third warning from me this week about being late for work.
NOT
This is the third time this week I……………………………be late for work.

2 I think Anita must have gone on a diet recently because she's quite slim now.
HAS
It looks as…………………………….dieting because she's quite slim now.

3 I always hated pasta when 1 was a child but now I cook it regularly.
USE
I…………………………pasta when I was a child but now 1 cook it regularly.

4 I went to have my own look at the apartment and 1 couldn't understand why my
friend wanted us to live in such a depressing place!
SEE
Having………………………………..myself, I couldn't understand why my friend
wanted us to live in such a depressing place!

5 We wanted to continue our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.
LIKE
We……………………………on with our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.

6 I want to inform you that I was not satisfied with the standard of service in your
hotel.
EXPRESS
I would……………………………………with the standard of service in your hotel.
7 I wanted to stay in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.

SOONER
I……………………………………..in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.
8 Didn't you want me to tell the staff about your resignation?
RATHER
Would………………………………………the staff know about your resignation?

9 I didn't stop worrying about the wild animals until we were safe inside camp.
ONLY
It was……………………………………………………….safety of camp that I
Stopped worrying about the wild animals.

10 Steve's one topic of conversation is the time he spent as a pilot.
EVER
The time he spent as a pilot …………………………………………………..about.

11 After arriving at the airport, we realised that our passports were still at home.
UNTIL
It…………………………………………………at the airport that we realised our
passports were still at home.

12 When Michael's boat began to sink, he sent a signal for help.
DID
When Michael's boat began to sink, what ……………………………………..a signal
for help.


Now please don’t ask for answers! You are all fine writers of English.


These examples came from the Practise English blog. More examples can be found by searching for CAE and FCE Key Word Transformations in any search engine.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I am in the middle of a dilemma at present. It is this. Do I write a Milo Moon sequel or not?

On one hand I know that I myself enjoy books that are in a series or a sequel or two. Ian Rankin’s Inspector Rebus, the Straun family saga from James Clavell and of course Douglas Adam’s famous five part trilogy of Hitchhiker stories are great enjoyable examples.

But then again I have a sense that some stories are best left to stand by themselves. 1984, Brave New World and Atlas Shrugged screamed out to be left alone and not regurgitated in a new form.

There are also the over exploited themes such as Rocky movies which became only worse and worse as each sequel was released. Even one of my favourite movies, Star Wars, lost its shine with each new movie as did The Blues Brothers sequel.

Maybe I am on the wrong track. Perhaps it is just movie sequels that have the potential to be stinkers where books have a seemingly better chance of maintaining the quality in sequels.

Or perhaps deep down I have had my fill of Milo Moon and would love to have an excuse to write a cooking book with delicious pictures.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

It may be of interest for some to learn that a book can start from the smallest and silliest idea. For me, the following brief and almost non-sensical notes began the process for what has now become my latest book, Milo Moon. From memory, I wrote these notes more than ten years ago, and then found the notes again a little over a year ago.

How they transformed into what is now a finalised book is still a mystery to me. However, you never know what a flower will look like by looking at a seed.

If you have read Milo Moon, good luck in finding the connection.


Spinning disks. Colourful. Falling from the sky. Floating, yet spinning. Coming closer. Full of children. One slamming into a roller door of a suburban garage at a racetrack located in the back yard of my grandmother’s house. Children killed.

Retiring to the garden at the side of my grandmother’s house. Watching our handbags being used as sprinklers. Deciding to walk home. Upset at the tragedy. Walking miles. To the house I lived in as a child. Two doors away from my grandmother’s house.

An old friend who I had never met (yet!) was already at home watching TV. Waiting for us. I approached the door with my wife, and entered the house of my childhood. Also with my other wife, who I had never met, but knew she was going to be my wife.

Three parallel universes. In the same place and time. Created to increase the economic output of Earth, as it was not meeting galactic quotas. Developed and implemented by the Central Galactic Economic Advisory Committee to accelerate the technological and economic output of Earth, so it could join the Western Orion economic zone, 7 million years ahead of schedule.

Life forces were in limited supply. Stories of souls by monks and priests were not far from the truth, but were used to explain and pacify ‘crossovers’. Heaven was used to explain re-bodying of life forces. Three parallel universes of Earth made better use of life forces as bodies were easy to produce but life forces were governed by a strict galactic quota.

Earth humans were way behind the rest of the universe. Third world like. The oligarchy were in charge of the plan. A ‘get rich quick scheme’ with many tax incentives.

Three way division of life forces had drawbacks. Only one third of each personality could be used in each universe. So each individual was incomplete. Hence no one was completely balanced as elsewhere in the universe. Leading to a breakdown in society values and behaviour. Needing new strictures and supervision. Police, military, government, churches. To control the inevitable lack of discipline one third of a human psyche could attain. There was no need for these controls in a single universe. It was hoped that three universes could be merged back into one in three or four million years once economic performance and technological evolution had been attained.

Dreams were crossover points. Ones that were impossible to eliminate because of the strength of a single life force. But were explained away as just dreaming. Occasionally a life force would wander too far from this dream state and realise the reality of the situation. In a three way split state, all dreams, fantasies, odd thoughts and déjà vu feelings were just consequences of the reality. Simple crossovers. The results of not being able to completely split a life force into three.

I was being briefed by Nimrod Kwic on a small hill overlooking Jerusalem. Why here? And why me? And why now?

Like him, I was a rare revert. The merging of my three split forces had been gaining pace in recent years. This was monitored by the authorities and any such occurrences were sent here. And where is here?

The fourth dimension. A holding reality. Where life forces exist on hold until the eventual merging back of the three spilt universes (Earths). Only a few million years to wait. But we had no actual reality. No bodies. We are complete and balanced, as there is no such thing as an imperfect life force. But because life forces are in limited supply, we are not to be wasted. Just kept on ice per se.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

One of my abysmal failings as a writer has to be the fact that I just don’t do sex at all well. Every time I get to a situation that could well call for a little steam, I tend to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and move on with the story. Now I know that for some of my readers this can sometimes prove a little frustrating. A bit of a tease with no climax as such.

Well, the fact of the matter is that I do write steamy scenes. I couldn’t tell you how many I have written. But then I seem to always tear them up, or if they do survive in the first draft, they get the chop in the first edit. I always seem to feel that they are a little too graphic and then become a distraction from the main story line. Or perhaps I lack that sensual touch. (I lie in fact. One of my books does get into it. But I won’t tell you which one as my children might be reading this.)

The same seems to happen when gratuitous blood is called for. Juicy murders with hours of bleeding, suffering and agony just seem to be beyond me. Tools of torture and hideously cruel pages of suffering get chopped and replaced with a swift kick to the groin. Yes, I know. I should be ashamed.

But then again, I think I do a great job of describing trees, people’s eyes and cats with incredibly clever adjectives. Can’t do everything well I suppose.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

My daily delivery of news items seems to consist more and more of articles about Steve Jobs, Apple, new iPhones, Google and now, get this, Google TV. Then there is always a story about Adobe Flash and its war with Jobs. Throw in the ‘get on the band wagon’ journalists and bloggers who just can’t resist writing yet another story about the missing camera on the Apple iPad in the hope of snagging a few readers, and you have a daily dose of non-news.

Of course there are always a few other news stories concerning earthquakes, financial debacles, elections, corrupt politicians and priests. But fewer about tennis, Formula 1 and fortunately very few about Britney Spears.

Until finally today, an article made its way under my nose and caught my immediate attention. It concerned a name that I have not seen in the news for some time. A name that could soon be almost forgotten and condemned to the annuls of history it would seem by its lack of newsworthiness.

Microsoft!

Do you recall this name? Maybe if I mention Bill Gates it might prod your memory.

Oh sorry. Here’e the article that caught my attention.

I especially like the use of the word ‘flop’ in this article. It really had me thinking. What do Microsoft do? Well, apart from Microsoft Office and Explorer?

Vista? Ooops sorry.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

This is just a silly little collection of quotes from my writing. Or maybe after all those hundreds of thousands of words I have written, this all the clever stuff I can find. A couple of hundred words. Anyway…...


I don't have an occupation. Only a preoccupation.

Don't worry about me. I'm embarrassment proof.

If I could be anybody in the world........I'd be me.

It's amazing how productive nose picking can really be.

My inspiration gland is not working this week. Damn.

Ok, I've cleaned the kitchen, done the laundry and emptied the garbage! Can I get back to work now?

There's a good reason I am a writer. I'm completely useless at anything else.

My children were quite surprised to discover I could write. I was surprised they could actually read.

I think I've nearly perfected the art of idiocy.

I am certainly not a formula writer. Don't have the concentration.

I suffer fools badly. Makes it difficult to live with myself.

There was an awkward silence after my wife finished reading my new book.

Inn myy neckst book I'mi gonna concintrate on my speelingg!

I had a headache for a while, then I gave it to my wife.

Is sex a noun or a verb?

Suburban houses in suburban streets in suburban suburbs are built around their occupant’s secrets.

Nudity. We all have plenty of it.

To return to my point. (I do wander from my point on occasions. I apologise for any inconvenience.)

I don’t like Wednesdays.

I feel much better. It is not Wednesday.

I am not so keen on raw sausages any more.

Where does navel fluff come from? And how can it be blue when I am wearing a white shirt?

I am working on the premise that I only get one chance at being seditious, so I will make it worthwhile!

Q. Are you confused?
A. Only by you. I think.

The pages of this book have been a rampage.

Oh smurtleclop of perlup be.

Suck me dry, Make me die,
Take my heart, I won’t cry, Life you Bitch!

The passage of life, as it blunders along.

Everybody’s happy, I’m everybody’s clown.

It was just after lunch, That I had a hunch, To risk my whole life in one day.

Credit my account with your friendship, and I will return your change with a smile.

Love frees the heart of a lonely life,

And hope for a life in my torment’s wake.

I vandalise words.

Hello World! What a real bastard you have turned out to be!

It really was quite unsociable of Douglas Adams to leave planet Earth in 2001.

Please stop reading IMMEDIATELY if you start to feel a little faint and seek urgent medical attention.

What's this life thing then?

Have you ever noticed that you just can't go to a doctor once?

One thing remains pure and true. My first and continuing crush on Morticia Addams.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Perhaps I should have titled this ‘The Publishing Author’, but then that is probably just me being pedantic about using a compound noun or a gerund adjective. However, this silly playfulness with words is exactly what I don’t need to be doing right now. What I should be doing is flogging books.

When writing, an author is lost in words, ideas, dreams, goals, plots, sub-plots and coffee. Then comes the reality. Who is going to read this magnificent collection of eighty thousand words that have been crafted together with passion and cleverness? If you are exceedingly lucky your spouse may. At sometime, but probably not as soon as you would like. You could try giving it to a friend. In this regard my experience has been that they are still meaning to read it some months or years later and when they finally do read it they say it was ‘nice’. Not much help.

So what do you do? The answer is remarkably simple. Believe in yourself and stop being an author immediately your manuscript is ready, and start selling the damn thing. Why? Because readers who buy your book will read it. More than that, if you have good communication with your readers, you will get honest and reliable feedback that will be worth more than any paid service you might have considered.

I am starting to dislike the words ‘Indie’, ‘Self Published’ and ‘POD’. I now only use two words to describe my occupation. Author and Publisher. Because that is what I am. So what if my publishing house consists of five books and four CDs. That’s more than enough to keep me occupied. Once I get my author off his backside, my catalogue will jump to six books. A growing business.

Books are a totally new business now. Forget all the old rules, literary agents, rejection, double spaced foolscap and waiting forever for yet another rejection. Use you time far more productively and promote your books and yourself and sell your wonderful books.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Publishing a book has become easier in recent years due to self-publishing alternatives such as vanity publishing, print-on-demand and e-books. The abundance of on-line publishers and stores seems to grow almost daily.

So is it a viable alternative to traditional publishing? This really depends on your outlook and goals as an author. If you suffer badly from continual rejection, then self-publishing will certainly be better for your morale. In the end though, it really is about selling books. And lots of them. This is where traditional publishers and their marketing advantages truly come into play. The resources at their disposal are enormous, and justifiably, they need to make money out of your book to recoup these costs. So it has to be marketable. Hence the number of rejections from hopeful authors.

Even if you are fortunate enough to be signed by a publisher, remember that they will also want your ‘pound of flesh’ from you to promote the book and your royalties per copy will be quite small. So you and your publisher both have to sell a lot of books to make money.

On the other hand, your profit per book is much higher as a self-publisher so you don’t need to sell as many books. But here’s the catch. You have to do ALL of the marketing work yourself. Not only this, but also the editing, proof reading, cover design, typography and general management of your title. As a rule of thumb, I say that all of this extra work accounts for about three times the amount of time I spent writing the book.

Then you have another choice. Will you also publish an e-book version? With Apple now entering the market, the next year or so may prove to be interesting. It’s worth mentioning that this involves more work for you as the formatting for an e-book is totally different from the printed version, and is very time consuming. Just add a few more days work here.

So who will win this new book battle? Books or e-books? Big publishers or self-publishers? Lastly I suppose. Do you want to be in the contest?

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I came across this interesting article on sentence variety for writers. Thought it was worth sharing with you.


Hints on Variety
Try an occasional question, exclamation, or command. A question can be especially useful at the beginning of a paragraph where you want to summarise quickly what preceded and then launch into what will now follow. "And what were the results of this Proclamation of 1763?" This reminds your readers where you are in your discussion — Ah yes, that's what we're talking about — and prepares them for what comes next.
A command or directive provides direction and energy. Readers react to being grabbed by the collar and told what to do. It's hard to ignore, if not to resist. Tone is terribly important here. A bit of well-intentioned cajoling is usually more useful than in-your-face shouting. "Learning the principle of parallel structure can be the most important thing you learn in writing class. Learn it now!"
Try beginning an occasional sentence with something other than the normal subject-followed-by-verb order of things. Begin with a modifying clause or participial phrase instead. "After Pontiac's insurrection led to the Proclamation of 1763, a brief period of peace ensued. Having led his people in a successful resistance, Pontiac was astonished to discover how Indian tribal differences and individualism began, instantly, to erode their base of unified power."
Try beginning a sentence with a coordinating conjunction (and, but, nor, for, yet, or, so). Many writers have had it pounded into their skulls that if you begin a sentence with and or but that sentence should have been linked (instead) to the previous sentence in a compound structure. It goes against the grain to begin a sentence with and or but. But give it a try. A sentence beginning with a conjunction will almost always call attention to itself and it will always serve primarily as a connective device. If that's what you want, use it — but not so often that the effect gets out of control and becomes self-defeating.
Try using a variety of basic sentence structures. We can categorise sentences into four main types, depending on the number and type of clauses they contain:

Simple (one independent clause):
We drove from Connecticut to Tennessee in one day.
Compound (more than one independent clause):
We were exhausted, but we arrived in time for my father's birthday party.
Complex (one independent clause and at least one dependent clause):
Although he is now 79 years old, he still claims to be 65.
Compound-complex (more than one independent clause and at least one dependent clause):
After it was all over, my dad claimed he knew we were planning something, but we think he was really surprised.

Source: The Guide to Grammar and Writing

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

When teaching English writing, one of the most common mistakes I came across was the use of the comma. On asking my students why they had placed a comma in a certain position, they often justified it by saying that it was for a pause for breath. Well when we read we don't need to stop for breath so there must be some other reasons. Unlike some Latin languages, English is quite frugal when it comes to the use of the comma. I have used the following guide when I have been in doubt.

Quick Guide to Commas

1. Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet.

2. Use commas after introductory a) clauses, b) phrases, or c) words that come before the main clause.

3. Use a pair of commas in the middle of a sentence to set off clauses, phrases, and words that are not essential to the meaning of the sentence. Use one comma before to indicate the beginning of the pause and one at the end to indicate the end of the pause.

4. Do not use commas to set off essential elements of the sentence, such as clauses beginning with that (relative clauses). That clauses after nouns are always essential. That clauses following a verb expressing mental action are always essential.

5. Use commas to separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses written in a series.

6. Use commas to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun. Be sure never to add an extra comma between the final adjective and the noun itself or to use commas with non-coordinate adjectives.

7. Use a comma near the end of a sentence to separate contrasted coordinate elements or to indicate a distinct pause or shift.

8. Use commas to set off phrases at the end of the sentence that refer back to the beginning or middle of the sentence. Such phrases are free modifiers that can be placed anywhere in the sentence without causing confusion.

9. Use commas to set off all geographical names, items in dates (except the month and day), addresses (except the street number and name), and titles in names.

10. Use a comma to shift between the main discourse and a quotation.

11. Use commas wherever necessary to prevent possible confusion or misreading.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

My last few months have been almost totally occupied by my new friend Milo Moon. Well, I suppose friend is taking it too far, as he is the main character in my new book. But such has been my focus, I feel he has been on my shoulder now for a very long time.

Although ‘parting is such sweet sorrow’, I think I will be happy to set him set free now and leave him to his own devices.

Within the coming days, Milo Moon will be released on Amazon and Barnes and Noble as well as in an e-book form on Kindle, Apple iBooks and Smashwords. The book will then be available very soon after, in other international online stores and local book shops.

So what it this book about I hear you ask.

In a nutshell it is a story of political expediency and secrets revolving around a human experimentation program that was kept from public view but supported by governments and corporations. Milo is one of the program’s ‘guinea pigs’ and he has suffered a life of physical and psychological medical experimentation.

Although the story’s subject matter is sordid, the story of Milo and his friends and acquaintances is touching and dappled with his sense of humour and acceptance of the world around him.

So keep your eyes peeled for the appearance of Milo Moon and I hope he has the chance to endear himself to you as he has done to me.

Milo Moon
Author: Derek Haines
ISBN/EAN13: 1451553471 / 9781451553475
Paperback: 276 pages

A preview read is available here.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Whiz Buzz is not a revolution. Simply a place to highlight your talents as an independent writer. As an author myself, I know there are many sites available on the internet to list books but they are normally large sites, and a book or two that you have slaved over to publish gets lost in the herd.

So hence the Whiz Buzz blog idea. Instead of a static website, a blog offers better possibilities for readers to subscribe to the blog feed from a range of different sources and by using intelligently placed feeds, a blog is listed and updated faster on secondary sites and search engines.

So how does it work? All that is required is a short blurb about your book. Probably what you have on you back cover will do nicely. Plus an image of your cover. 3D e-book covers work very well. Then a few details about buying the book and links to you and your blog or website. If you have a blog, it can be added to the Whiz Buzz blogroll.

As submissions are received they will be scheduled for a blog post on Whiz Buzz with a post notification on Twitter as well.

Included in the blog is an Amazon Online Store, so your book will be listed in this as well to help your book’s exposure.

So, if you have published a book and it is available from Amazon, why not get your book publicised on Whiz Buzz too?

Oh, I forgot to mention that it is free too!

Check out Whiz Buzz and see what you think.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

My new book ‘Milo Moon’ has been a complete change of style for me. At first I was unsure, but once I got into a rhythm and felt a reality developing with the characters, the story started to fall out of my head at an alarmingly rapid rate. So rapid in fact that it must be the fastest book I have ever written.

The story I hear you ask? Well, that would be giving it all away. But I can tell you that I dabbled in a little romance for a change as well as a very small touch of fantasy come sci/fi. There’s of course a little bit of history, but reinvented by perfectly rational fiction. The story is located very close to where I live so my mention of street names and landmarks are highly accurate. I managed to squeeze in some politicians, police, scientists and a few spooky secret service agents too. As for the main character, well, he’s just extra special.

So when is ‘Milo Moon’ due for release? Soon is all can say at present, but hoping for late April. In the meantime, there is a little sneak preview read available if you would like a little taste. Read the sneak preview here.

So I guess it is back to a clean drawing board for me and time to do some head scratching and get on with starting something new.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

For those of you who are either contemplating becoming an author, or those writers who want to get to the bestseller status fast, I thought I would share what I believe to be the ten prime factors for success. Some are highly technical while others require hours and hours of practice and perfection, but I am sure you will see the benefits very quickly from following my Ten Golden Rules For Successful Writing And Getting People To Buy Your Books.

1. Always include blank pages at the back of the book. this makes the book thicker, so looks like better value.

2. Be consistent with spelling mistakes. The reader’s brain will adjust.

3. Always dedicate your book to your mother. This increase the ‘Awwww’ factor, and also gives you an opportunity to include another blank pager after it.

4. If you have a long name, change it. Bestselling authors must restrict both their names to five letters or less.

5. If you are under fifty, do not put a photo of yourself on the back cover. Writers must look mature.

6. Use a lot of dialogue. It takes up more page space. (Helps point one) Narrative tends to be in good solid paragraphs, so stay clear on neat economical space saving paragraphs as much as possible.

7. Get your very best friend, wife or sibling to write the blurb for the back of your book.

8. Use short and simple words. Long words reduce your market potential to only those readers with high IQs.

9. Always start a sentence with a Capital Letter, and try to remember the full stop at the end. It helps readers navigate better.

10. Make sure you have some sort of story to tell. Three hundred pages of:
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, sapien platea morbi dolor lacus nunc, nunc ullamcorper. Felis aliquet egestas vitae, nibh ante quis quis dolor sed mauris. Erat lectus sem ut lobortis, adipiscing ligula eleifend, sodales fringilla mattis dui nullam. Ac massa aliquet
has proven not to sell very well, even though it does speed up writing a lot.

Bonus Rule: Always include a 404 page not found link to help readers get back to where they were.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Whenever a writer sits down to write a book it is natural that part of the writer’s life and experience becomes blended within the story. My recently published book ‘Louis’ is a classic case of my own reality becoming fiction.

In the book, only one character’s name is real. That is my old friend, Louis Robinson. The most amazing person I have ever met in my life. In fairness to the other characters I had to change the names, relationships and lives as many are either still alive, or their children are, and I wanted to maintain their anonymity.

There were many mysteries that died with Louis in 1972, but many realities survived him. His wife is still alive and well, and the man who became the character of the small town mayor, died only very recently. In another strange twist of reality, my father was quite entwined, but as my family and I only lost him recently, he is almost hidden from the story. Then there are also some characters who achieved fame or infamy that I felt I had to rename because of the story’s fictional plot.

Of course, historically important characters such as Hitler, Mussolini, Abbas II Hilmi and the various sultans and high commissioners were important historical markers, so needed to remain unchanged.

Are there any deep and dark secrets held within the pages of this book, I hear you ask? Well, of course there are. However, they are hopefully buried deep enough that only the knowing will know. But good luck looking for them anyway.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

This may seem like a silly ‘sour grapes’ attitude, but I have my reasons for being happy and content, plodding along on my own.

Many reasons in fact, but most of them revolve around the fact that I react very badly to doing what someone tells me to do. Or in other words, I am hopeless at deadlines, appointments, regimentation, work hours, discipline and generally behaving responsibly. This said, the single most important reason for me is that I can write what I want to write, and not what I am told to write, or what is saleable and marketable to write.

My current work in progress novel has me scratching my head at the moment trying to decide what genre it will fit into. It is sort of a cross between adventure, sci/fi, medical, romance, political, drama, comedy, satire, historical and allegorical. The only thing I think I have left out are car chases and cowboys. Now this follows on from my previous four books which were absolutely nothing like this at all. Poetry, essay, historical fiction and life drama.

My long winded at arriving to point here is that if I had achieved any success with my previous books, and I was guided by a publisher, I would probably have to recreate something similar to my previous success. That’s what marketing is about. Recreating the recipe that worked. Thinking Angels & Demons and Da Vinci Code here.

But I am not that capable, talented or disciplined.

You may call it ‘sour grapes’ but I am very happy writing what I want to write and trying my hand at a number of genres before I curl up my toes. At least it will hopefully give my grandchildren some variety to read.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

The time has come for me to make a crucial life decision. Currently I am a part-time Idiot and a part-time member of the exploited world of human resources, human capital and the workforce forced. I am also at an age when that nasty word, semi-retirement, raises its ugly head and makes you start to consider very ugly subjects like crochet, bridge, bingo and your next doctor’s appointment.

So with reckless and gay abandon, which I might say I am very good at, I have decided to fully exploit the physical limitations of my sofa, and fully dedicate my backside and mind to the task of becoming a full-time and professional Idiot and horizontal writer of all things clever and hopefully, grammatically negative.

Now this new life stage will involve a lot of sacrifice. Luckily though, most of the sacrifice will have to be made by my wife, so it’s not all that onerous. I have ridden my luck thus far without her throwing me off our fourteenth floor balcony, so I am hopeful she will continue to tolerate my insanely crazy ideas and penchant for naval gazing and doing practically nothing for hours on end. I also hopes she continues to feed me during the initial start-up period of my new venture. This period of time will be indeterminate, as I hope her patience will be also.

So, onward and upward and by crickey I hope some of your are ready to buy my new book! (Well, I have to start marketing, don’t I?)

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

As a writer there is nothing I love more that burying myself in my characters and plot. Clacking away on my keyboard and leaving the real world do what it wants. Sometimes I can lose myself for hours on end and forget to eat and drink. However, there comes a time when the story telling ends, and the last chapter is written. I hate writing that last word.

Because then I start to panic! I know what is coming next. Hours, days and weeks (sometimes months) of proof reading, correcting, editing and rewriting. On top of worrying, loss of self confidence, fear and a concern that the story doesn’t stand up. It’s my complete loss of confidence time. It’s also the time that I become completely fed up after reading the damn story a hundred times. I have just been through this for the last two months, and I think I need a personality transplant.

Thankfully, this painful period is nearly over for my latest book Louis. I am at the point where I think I could recite it word for word. But I know that very soon, I will release it to the world, and if it is read or not, I know that I at least have read it for the last time. What a relief.

So now, it’s back to clacking again on my keyboard and losing myself again. Until the next time that dreaded last word arrives.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

While very few will become as famous or as well known as Stephen King, Dan Brown or JK Rowlings, that does not stop of from us writing. I would imagine there are millions of us who write. Well at least more than just a few emails or a dear diary entry every day.

My definition of a writer is someone who just can’t help themselves and has to record something in words every day. Whether it be part of a large project such as a novel or non-fiction work, or perhaps a regular blog or article writing. The other definition would have to be that you do not earn a fixed or regular income from your passion. Perhaps you may be lucky and sell some of your books, but at the end of the day it is a labour of love.

So why do we do it? For me it is quite simple I suppose. I write primarily for my own enjoyment and personal expression. Not being guided by anyone else, I write as I want, in a style I like or feel like experimenting with and am free to choose my subject matter. Another reason would have to be that I have aways wanted to be an artist, but my paintings and drawings were crap, so I had to find another outlet.

Do I write only for my myself? No, not at all. I certainly want people to read what I write, but I am not driven by having to please a certain market segment. I write to entertain, inform, provoke and hopefully express an idea worthy of more than two seconds of superficial thought. But I don’t write with an initial sense of wanting to please or pander to a certain reader group. Read here vampires for instance. Just can’t do it.

So in the end, my writing is the same as so many others. A passion and ingrained daily habit. There remains of the course the extremely minimal chance of being ‘discovered’ (should I have written exploited instead?), and becoming an ‘overnight success’ after thirty years of hard work. But that really is in the realms of winning the lottery, therefore on we plod. Pen (keyboard) and passion hand in hand.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page


Z7ZG9GAN7DNR

Like all writers and authors, I have been watching the growth of e-books and Kindle in particular for many months now. In some ways, my decision, or should I say non-decision was made easy. Amazon did not accept books from non US authors, until last week that is. Not only has Amazon Kindle now decided to accept books from authors world wide, but also in French and German.

So, I had to make the decision. Would I offer my books in an e-book format?

As I currently have my titles available on Amazon, it was not that hard to decide on making my books available on Kindle. Especially as they offer DRM. (Digital Rights Management) This is not always the case with other e-book formats.

My second rationale, was that although I will always prefer reading a real book myself, and delight in the smell, feel and selection of typography and design, the world is moving forward. Many people quite clearly like the practicality and portability of an electronic reader. Another consideration for me was environmental. There is no doubt that books do need trees to be produced.

The last item in my consideration process was that famous, but yet to be announced Apple tablet. Now whether it eventuates or not, there is one thing I am certain of. In the near future Apple will offer e-books from their iTunes store. It is just so blatantly obvious for them to do so. Will this affect books in a similar manner to what iTunes has done to music delivery? The power of Apple is not in their hard products. Think about the affect they have had on mobile telephones. The iPhone is ok, but the appStore is where they have changed the market completely.

This led me to the simple conclusion. You can’t stay stuck in the mud. Either move forward, or be run over by progress.

Therefore, as of this week my books will be available on Kindle. But only Kindle for the time being. I’ll wait and see what Steve Jobs has up his sleeve before I move any further than that.

Check here if you are interested in a Kindle version of any of my books.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Within a few weeks, my latest book will be released and so will end a very long year of living with my old friend Louis in my head. Hardly a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about him and his life, and searched for ways of getting this complex story onto paper. It has been a want of mine for nearly twenty years to write this book, but for one reason or another it sat in the queue until last year.

Louis died in 1973 and has probably been long forgotten by many, but not by me. He led an extraordinary life and although my book is fictional, I hope I have captured the character of this unique human being who had such an influence on me.

In some ways I know I will miss my daily thoughts of Louis, but after a year’s work it is time to let go and start thinking about something new. My nature will surely lead me now into an opposite direction as usual. This has been the pattern of my writing, so I have no possibility of ever becoming a formula writer.

For my readers, this does lead to surprises I suppose. If you happen to like one of my books, there’s a chance you’ll hate another because they are so different in genre and style. On the other hand, if you hated the first book of mine you read, there’s a chance you just might like the next. Or then there is the remote possibility that you could like them both.

One thing is certain though. I feel very close to this book and the characterisation of my old friend. That will be enough for it to be one of my favourites in the future, I’m sure. For now though, I need a break, and then when the batteries are recharged, an idea will surely emerge that will have me back at work on an all consuming new project.


Louis will be available on Amazon and for order at local bookstores very soon.
Check for release details on my website in the coming weeks. www.derekhaines.ch

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

For nearly forty years I have had a story in my head. One of those stories that never leaves, and continually seeks answers to mostly unanswerable questions. A childhood friend who had such an influence on my life, that to this day, my memories of him are as vivid as the day they were made.

He was a complete mystery to all who knew him. Especially me. Whatever he told me always needed to be thought about, imagined, dissected and half believed.

Twenty years ago, I had my first real thought about writing his story, but for one reason or another, there was never the opportunity or time. Again, ten years ago, I began to make notes in preparation, but alas time moved on yet again.

Finally, a year ago I started again. Slowly at first. Researching, noting, organising, wracking my memory and generally making a lot of messy notes, files and filling space on my hard drive. The more I investigated, the further I was away from starting to write the book, as I kept finding one answer that led to a whole bunch of new questions.

So today is a very big day for me. I wrote the last words in the last page of the last chapter of my first draft. The most surprising part for me was that I almost had tears in my eyes as I wrote the final paragraphs. Emotions not connected to myself in finishing, but emotions I felt for the characters. The combination of sadness and joy I felt was quite overwhelming.

Hopefully this is a sign that I may have got the story out right. I didn’t have this feeling with my previous books, so hopefully it is a sign of a good read.

Now is the time for the hard work to begin. I really appreciate the comments to my previous blog entry about editing and correcting, so I will approach it with a lot more enthusiasm.

For now though, I am so relieved to have finished what has been forty years in the making. A truly wonderful story, I hope.

Time for a celebratory beer!

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I was struggling for ideas today as I sat down to write this blog post. Normally I have a head full of ideas, but for some reason, this morning my mind was totally blank. So I did the only thing a writer can could possibly do. I looked for an idea to steal.

Starting with the news, sports results and then finally a read through some of my favourite blogs. I came to this story by Glynis, whose blog is one of my regular reads. So I have to thank her for todays inspiration.

I am currently writing my fourth book and having a wonderful time. Basically projectile vomiting words out as I let my imagination run rampant. Losing myself in the story and characters, the plot twists and imagery I want to create for my readers. All fun and the very best part of writing. Yesterday however, I realised that I am rapidly approaching the last few chapters of the story. Maybe less than a couple of weeks away from completing the first draft.

Now that is the word that makes my imagination curl up and die. Draft!

That means the end of imagination and creativity, and the start of a painful process of proof reading, editing and horror of all horrors, error correction. For my last three books, I spent so long correcting proofs, and re-correcting corrected proofs, and then re-correcting the re-corrected proofs that I thought I had tracked down all the little blighters.

“I found a few mistakes. Do you want me to mark them?” was the horror of all horrors I needed to hear after my wife read one of my books recently.

Hiding my shame, I told her not to worry. A couple of ‘typos’ would create little talking points for my readers. Show that I am not perfect. (Yes I know, a pathetic excuse.) However, as the book is now published and on sale, there is little I can do.

But it has taught me a lesson in self-publishing. The one vital part missing is not having an independent editor to work on the manuscript. But this can be very expensive, if you hire an editor. So for my current book, I am going to spend a long time correcting proofs, and re-correcting corrected proofs, and then re-correcting the re-corrected proofs again. But reading your own text over and over will never get all those typos.

So this time, after all that work, I will give my manuscript to a couple of friends to proof read and promise them a few free copies for helping me when the book is released. Hopefully, they will find those last annoying little typos.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I’m afraid my title to this article is way out of date. It should read, the power of the keyboard. But that doesn’t quite have the same majesty or alliteration now does it?

Currently, I am in the post-latter middle stages of the first draft of my fourth book. What this means is that my head has been living each day with my main character for over six months now. He has become a rent-free boarder in my mind for so long, that I look forward to the time I can ask him politely, to leave.

It has reached a point where I can almost smell his body odour late in the day, and have to remind him about his personal hygiene. Without my encouragement, he tends to drift into laziness and just hang about my head doing nothing, waiting for my input into his life. The responsibility is starting to become tiresome.

I do have one small piece of solace though. He is going to die, but I haven’t told him about that yet. So at least I know he will, one day soon, fall off the perch and then move out of my rent free head.

In my previous books, I haven’t really killed anyone. Well, not violently anyway. I did have one character who had the misfortune of being shot dead. But I never quite got around to the details. I just sort of left the responsibility to the reader to decide if it was murder or suicide. Quite irresponsible on my part.

But in this current book, I am really having some murderous voyeuristic fun. There is nothing quite as satisfying as giving a character the skill to aim and fire a rifle so accurately that the victim is caught totally by surprise when a bullet blows out his right eye from its socket and continues its path and vitamisers his brain.

Equally exciting is having my hero shot in two places, and after taking sadistic pleasure in describing his excruciatingly painful injuries in full gory detail, I have the decency to let him survive. Well, maybe not decency. Maybe laziness on my part. It saves creating a new main character. At the moment I am working diligently on a bayonet stabbing. Trying to teach my character about upward thrust and wrist action.

So is there a point here?

Yes, there is. As with everything else I have done in my life, I am in the learning curve stage. I don’t think I will live long enough to pass this stage, but hopefully long enough to feel a slight upward tendency in the curve. Until then however, I will enjoy my learning, and have fun with murder.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I have a had a number of people asking me about my books. This would seem the best medium to answer some of those questions. Well, it’s my blog, isn’t it? So read on either in interest, or in my vain hope that you might be convinced to try and read one, one day. Just don’t wait until I die though. I have no interest in being a fabulously famous dead author and funding my grandchildren's expensive taste in vintage wine.

The best place to start would be to say from the outset, that I have a writing style that has been compared to pickled onions, olives and anchovies. It is different and you cannot confuse the taste when compared to your standard sausages and mash potatoes or fish and chips. For some readers my style may be a little bitter, tart or on the nose! For others it is a style that may not please your reading palette at first, but for some stupid reason you come back for another taste. It is just my style. Too late to change now.

Of my three books now published, I of course have a favourite. But it would be totally out of place for me to tell you which one it is. Suffice to say that the fatter the book the better in my overall view of books in general.

I have not tried to pander to any particular taste, genre or market. For some reason only known to the gods who were proven to be crazy, I ended up completing a book of poetry, a satyrical essay and a novel. But not in that order. They sort of merged and fought tooth and nail with each other for a few nasty years. In the end though, they all came out of the end of the tunnel and retained their own individual styles and characteristics.

If poetry is your go, Loss, Limbo, Life and Love might waste a rainy and cold Sunday afternoon for you. It is a journal of verses ranging from suicidal to depressed, to alcoholic, to sad, to anesthetised to sort of happy and then for some crazy reason, some bliss to finish off. An out of love, in love, out of love, in love again read.

An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics is a rampage. Totally unconnected thoughts glued together by ether, gas, methane and fresh air and presented in a demented order representing my own fragmented, random and dislocated thought processes. Or process. Singular really is more honest. In essence it is expressing my frustration about knowing far, far less than my better educated children. Oh, and it has recipes too.

The third book, Nobody’s Fault is a true novel. I might say a very dark and disturbing account of deep, hidden and sometimes embarrassingly personal thoughts and feelings we all have and experience, but try to hide in times of stress and emotional destruction. Be warned though. It starts fluffily light in the style of a social documentary and gradually darkens into a thriller of human, personal and emotional destruction. If you are already under medical treatment for manic depression, probably best to pick one of the other two.

So, hopefully this has answered some of your questions. Of course you can have a sneak preview at Google Books, or Amazon Look Inside. However, if you want to know the ending, you might just have to order a copy. Or convince a friend to buy one and then borrow it and never return it. Whichever.

I might discuss my music and CDs another day. Maybe.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Today has been one of those days I dread. A day when my imagination not only dries up, but also when any form of logical expression just disappears into the ether. Trying to start my day with a short blog post as usual became a frustrating hour or more. Usually ideas have been festering in my head for a number of days, and I can simply pick and choose which one I will use. This morning though, the idea cabinet of my mind was totally bare. To end my annoyance, I did what any half decent writer would do. I went to my old notes and scribblings, and fashioned a post from the pieces I found. Unstartling and tepid, but the post was done.

Then it was time to get back to my new novel. The day before had been wonderfully productive and I was very pleased with the day’s work. I went back to work on it. And there I sat. Reading and re-reading the introduction to a new chapter I had started the day before. Reading yet again, trying to pick up on my train of thought from the previous day. Nothing came into my mind. I was absolutely idealess. I stared at the words on my screen and cursed them for not inspiring me onwards.

There was nothing to do other than to leave it for some time. Clear my head by doing something completely different. Lunch was first. Some television news followed by reading some online articles. A little pointless surfing of the web. A shower and a rest. Back to my novel again.

Still nothing. A complete blank. I suppose it is easy to say that this was just writer’s block. In my mind however, I don’t see it that way. I think I was having a day that affects all people. Not just writers. Simply a day when for some reason, whether it be biorhythms, astrology, moon phases, male menstrual cycle or the day’s pollen count, when you fail to function as normal. Just a bad day. As we all have from time to time.

So I chose the only sensible option open to me. I gave up on the novel for the day. Or maybe more. Then decided I would go and find some chocolate. It was way to early for beer unfortunately.

However, just as I was about to get up from my keyboard, it occurred to me that this was a great idea for a blog post. So away I went. Tapping away furiously and forgetting about my chocolate fetish for thirty minutes. It wasn’t such a bad day after all.

So this now replaces the unstartling and tepid piece I mentioned earlier. Don’t worry though. I have kept it as an emergency for another bad day so you will surely get to read it one day soon.

Beautiful image courtesy of Zefram Cochrane. http://www.enricodemarinis.eu/zc.htm

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

The possessive adjective in English must be the most difficult to master. When is it a plain old adjective such as a car door? Or is that really a compound noun? When is it possessive as in a hair’s breadth? Is it a woman’s leg, or a woman leg? Or is at a chair’s leg, or a chair leg? There are many examples of this confusing English grammar point.

You would say the tree’s leaves, a butcher’s hook, a horse’s tail. Or you could say a bottle top, a door handle, a computer screen, day break, mountain top.

There is an obtuse grammatical explanation about ownership and being part of an object, but I won’t go there as the exception list is so long. I think in this case the exceptions really are the rule. The point about possessive adjectives is that they are impossible to learn by any process other than natural acquisition by repetitive collocation. By this I mean that by hearing and using a phase correctly enough times, it becomes automatic, and thus the error is corrected. For learners of English, this can be very frustrating.

I have often heard it said that English is a relatively easy language to learn. In many ways I agree with this. However I would have to say that it is as difficult as any language to master. While having no grammatical gender or accordance of singular and plural adjectives, it does however have a grammatical and lexical complexity stemming from its multiple roots in German, French, Latin and Old English but to name a few. An example of this is the word blonde, or blond. I stand to be corrected, but I believe this to be the only English adjective that changes with the gender of the noun. A relic of French grammar.

The challenges of English grammar are a daily dilemma for experienced writers of English. Spelling, punctuation, vocabulary, collocation and tense all offer a wonderfully diverse set of rules, uses, exception, variants and accepted new forms. When did you last see the word whom, and who remembers how to use it correctly? When did it become accepted to finish a sentence with a preposition? I am pleased though that splitting the infinitive is still not acceptable.

English has the largest vocabulary of any living language, and grows at a rate of approximately five thousand words every year. It is now well over one million words. It is one of the richest, most commonly used and evolving languages in the world. This however, makes the task of using it correctly a challenge for all of us who work with our incredible language.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Blog writing has become a relatively new passion for me. Mainly because it fulfills three selfish needs of mine. One, to write away happily. Two, to be read, and three, because it is easier than slaving away on my novel that has been driving me crazy for the last six months.

When I set myself the task of completing a five or six hundred word blog post, I somehow, and with unerring surprise find a topic that tickles my fancy and off I go. A quick read after thirty minutes and poof, off it goes. Normally with a spelling mistake or two, but I prefer to call them talking points more than careless errors. My blog was designed specially to be finely tuned and focused on the uniquely singular topic of life, the universe and everything as a tribute to my hero, Douglas Adams. I am one who has a tendency to stray from a subject, so this narrowly designated topic keeps me right on track.

Unlike my new novel. Which should be called my old novel now as it feels like it has been with me forever. I promised myself that I would complete this story before I die, because it is a story that I want to tell and believe needs telling. That doesn’t make it any faster though.

My original and now almost ancient two page synopsis was absolutely brilliant and has kept me close to the storyline. But is is amazing how many words it takes to turn a synopsis into a story. My original plan was to have the story set, told and concluded in around 120,000 words. As I am not one to concentrate on a word count, I didn’t realise until this week that I have just about finished setting my main character and have now run up over 40,000 words.

I wonder if this is how Tolstoy got lost and needed the equivalent weight in pages of two bowling balls to finally get the story finished. My gut feeling right now is that I might be on that path.

When I make a quick calculation of how far I am into my original synopsis at this point, and the number of words used to get this far, I come to an uncomfortable answer of about 280,000 words. Damn. This will probably take my original deadline for completion from early 2010 to late in the life of my great, great grandchildren.

I’ll keep you posted.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

The following three phrases have become my all time favourites in demonstrating clarity in writing for my students of English. While all are grammatically perfect, only one is absolutely clear in its sense, meaning and accuracy of description.

1. The man played the piano with three legs.

2. She loves him.

3. I usually wear a smurtleclop in winter because my bald head and ears get very cold.

It probably didn’t take you long to select phrase 3, even though it has a very strange word as its primary object. The word smurtleclop is a complete invention on my part, but I use it to demonstrate how a well constructed sentence can give sense and meaning accurately. A smurtleclop is obviously something worn on the head to keep warm. It also covers the ears. The reader my also see something made of fur or wool. Perhaps with flaps that can be lowered to cover the ears.

When writing about technical or professional matters for general consumption, I would always recommend this approach for material that contains in house or new technical vocabulary. A well written article can lose the reader in the first paragraph if it contains a word such as smurtleclop without assisting the reader to understand.

The first phrase is a common error. It is simply confusion as to the descriptive element of the subject or object. Use of an adjective would solve the problem. So either a three legged man, or a three legged piano would have been preferable as it clarifies which object is being described. Or, if in fact the man was deformed, the phrase could say that the man with three legs played the piano. Either way, the proximity of the description to the object or subject is the key to understanding.

The second phrase is the most difficult to understand. The reason is that such a short phrase could be interpreted a number of ways. If we heard the phrase spoken we would understand from the intonation used. However, in writing we do not have that ability. I have seen this problem occur many times and in our era of rapid and short textural communication and it can lead to major misunderstandings. The various meanings of this phrase are outlined below.

She➙ loves him.
Stress on she indicates that there is question as to whether it is her who loves him. Maybe it could be someone else who loves him.

She loves➚ him.
Stress on loves indicates that there is question as to whether she loves him. Maybe she just likes him or is just after his money.

She loves➘ him.
Downward stress on loves indicates that there is no question as to whether she loves him. She is in love.

She loves him.➚
Upward stress on him indicates that there is question as to whether she loves him or someone else in fact.

She loves him.➘
Downward stress on him indicates that there is no question as to whether she loves him.

Five meanings from three words. I have seen short phrases such as ‘I’ll do it.’, ‘No way.’ and ‘Yes, I know.’ misinterpreted in emails and cause more than a little aggravation. So my advice it to be careful in using these in text.

Although we are encouraged as writers to keep our writing concise, clear and to the point, there are some circumstances where a little thought about word order, or additional information is necessary to ensure our message is delivered clearly.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

While all languages have their positive attributes, be it structure, rhythm, sound or lexis, English has one of the most unique tenses. It is one that we tend to forget all about when we are writing. In some manner it does exist in some other languages, but not to the extent that it can be used in English.

What is it? It is the present perfect. More correctly it should be called an aspect rather than a tense, but I won’t quibble about its grammatical name. In my view it should be renamed the experience tense, the tense of the living or even the tense that can affect now. These descriptions are much more accurate and informative in my mind.

When teaching learners of English, it is the one structure that needs to be taught as a concept. A way of thinking. With other tenses such as the past simple, present continuous or future simple, time is of the essence and is therefore not a concept but an event that is defined by a clock or calendar.

I will take three examples of the present perfect to demonstrate its remarkable properties.

Example 1. Have you ever been to Spain?
Example 2. I’ve written three books.
Example 3. Oh dear! I’ve lost my keys!

Although there are other uses, these three examples demonstrate the three main functions.

In the first example, the question is searching for an experience that someone has had. If the answer is yes, the questioner can then proceed to use the other person’s experience. Perhaps by asking if Spain is hot. When the best time to travel is. What the food is like. I’ve eaten ants, have you? In this example it expresses an experience again and looks to promote a discourse from that basis.

The second example is not really about books. It is saying that the person is in fact not dead. With the present perfect, the ability to add to a list of achievements indicates that the person, or object, is alive. Contrast these two sentences. 1. Dan Brown has written many books. 2. Shakespeare wrote many plays. We now know who can add to their achievements and who is alive and who is dead.

Lastly, the effect on now example. Although the action of losing the keys is definitely in the past, it has a present effect. Such as, I can’t open the door now. Or I can’t start my car now. I’ve eaten too many slices of cake would indicate that the person now feels quite ill after they ate too much cake.

In combination with adverbs and prepositions such as yet, already, for, since, ever, never and just the present perfect can be used to describe a multitude of situations in absolute minute detail. One last use worth mentioning is that of currency. The media are the ultimate artists in this use. Imagine this headline. The economy has gone into total meltdown. Think about this phrase. When did it happen? Today or months ago. It doesn’t matter. It sounds like it happened just a few minutes ago doesn’t it?

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

The very first word that is used with a degree of dexterity by any young child is the word no. In any language, the usefulness of this one small word is so obvious to a young mind. So useful in fact, that the necessity to use the affirmative is usually a few more years in the making, and even then is used in extreme moderation.

Our propensity to be initially negative to any give idea, offer, situation, plan or change seems to be a basic human trait. In some cultures it is a form of politeness to say no to even the most trivial offers of kindness or generosity. So what is it about negativity that is so cool?

Personally, I just love negativity in all forms. It has the ability to delve deeper into a topic and extract reasoning and justification that agreement cannot hope to achieve. By arguing the exact opposite, you place the onus of responsibility on the opposing view to prove its point by reasoning and example. In my case, I love to write from a negative viewpoint as it provides me with the opportunity to use thousands of words to justify myself to myself.

Another beautiful aspect of the negative is its ability to provoke. This can simply be a point of view that is opposite to the mainstream view. For example, if I was to express the view that George W. Bush was a really cool guy because he had a neat colouring book and yo-yo collection and that he was just a bit misunderstood when he invaded Iraq, I am sure I would provoke a lively response.

The double negative to me is another wonderful way to express negativity. It is a frowned upon grammatical no-no, but to me it is merely double the fun. I don’t know nobody who don’t like them. I haven’t heard of no place that isn’t hot no more since we got global warming is view I wholeheartedly agree with. But then again, I haven’t done nothing to help the cause neither. While on the subject of double negatives, it worth noting that without them we wouldn’t have no good blues music at all.

The one dilemma I have with my passion for negativity is that if the laws of physics apply, and opposites naturally attract, does this make me a positive person? This notion would cut down my argument in an instant. Would this mean that the young child using negativity with sublime dexterity was actually displaying absolutely positive tendencies? Does this undermine my want to be a positively negative individual?

In the end, I suppose it doesn’t really matter because I am Swiss. So therefore, by the fact of being a very proud Swiss citizen, I must remain utterly, completely and totally neutral.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Image via Wikipedia

My spell checker is driving me insane. It is something I have put up with for more than ten years now, but I think the time has come for my infinite patience to take a well earned grump attack and for me to say out loud that I am really fed up.

Now, writing in English is not that difficult. Compared to French, Spanish and Arabic it’s a cinch. But why oh why do I have to select which English I want to use, and then find that my computer has taken a stupid pill and decided to change my selected version of English to another? Normally half way through my perfect piece of Shakespearean prose.

American, British, Australian or just English are the choices I have on my cute little Macbook. Great idea. But somehow flawed in application. I am consistently bombarded with little red lines under my well chosen words complaining about esses and zeds. About or and our. About travelling and traveling. I think you know exactly the kind of annoyance I encounter.

So I have tried re-setting, re-defaulting, re-templating and re-booting, but to no avail. No matter which English language I set, it just loves to change half way through my master piece and start the process of driving me crazy once more. So, is there an answer for a prolific writer like myself?

Yes, there is. It took me some time to find it, but as with most complex problems, the solution was remarkably simple. Turn the annoying spellchecker off! I know this sounds radical, but the logic is really quite sane. I went back to the tried and true method of trusting my education. Of using my many years of spelling bees and dictation. Put simply, to use my brain instead of being ruled by my computer’s wizardry. To read proof read instead of relying on little red lines.

My native English is Australian English which complicates matters a little. It is a cross between British and American with a sprinkling of it’s own lexical condiments. But I would like to be true to my culture and education and write in my own English. Esses, double ells and unique vocabulary included.

Therefore from this point forward, I will now be writing spell checker free, and would now like to tell you about a marvellous night my wife and I had at a beautiful rest….. restrau….… reste….restau….. Hmm? Well, you know, a place where you go to eat fine food in the evening with your wife and a waiter takes your order and brings your wine.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

Life really can take some unfair twists and turns. In the last year in particularly, so many people have been affected by the financial crisis and the downturn in the economies of the world. Much has been written about the tremendous problems caused, but very little about the marvelous ingenuity and imagination of some in tackling their problems.

The internet has been a medium used by many to start a new business, as it is cheap, fast to set up and highly effective in reaching potential customers quite quickly. With the advent of Web 2.0 technologies and social networking, promoting these small ventures is also extremely cost effective. In combination with the ever increasing popularity of blogging, small start up ventures can be operating in a matter of a few weeks.

Some of the best ideas I have seen, have been from people who have taken stock of their personal expertise or passions and applied these to their new small enterprise. A woman who had lost her administration job decided that her primary skill was in baking. Her new business now supplies cookies and cakes to her local area via internet orders. Another started a music festival business. The great part of this idea was in pre-selling tickets, and then having the customers (audience) vote on the artists that will appear at the festival.

Some people have naturally taken their professional expertise and started to develop their own consultancies online, while others have seen the potential in blogging and advertising revenue. Twitter has become a new means of promoting yourself, your ideas and products, and in combination with novel business ideas and an attractive website, it provides another route to potential customers.

Personally, I had the same decision to make as many others earlier this year. What to do next after losing my job? When I took stock of my skills, I decided that my primary asset was in my writing skills. As a now ex-English teacher for the near future, I decided to put my energy into writing novels, essays and of course a blog. While not expecting to make a fortune, it has given me the enthusiasm to get up every day and get to work. It has probably given me more purpose to each day than when I was employed. Whether I will make much money from my book sales, website advertising or blogging is a question that will be answered over the coming months. I can only hope I am lucky.

The main element in my decision however, was not economic. It was that it gave me the opportunity to leave something behind. Since May of this year, I have now published three books. The sense of accomplishment in doing this is not a financial one for me though. The reason I am pleased, is that in officially publishing these books I have created a record of myself that my grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren will be able to read. In today’s world of digital photography and digital recording of our lives, I think a book will stand the test of time much better.

The economy may well improve next year, and I may return to full-time work. But to have taken the opportunity that this year of woe has provided me; to do more than leave my foot prints in the sand, has given me a reason to say 2009 was a year I accomplished something. That’s more than I can say about many other years of my life.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

As writers, it is very easy to forget who it is that are reading our words. If you consider the number of words that are read nowadays on screen as opposed to on paper, you may want to consider readers of English to whom English is a second or third language, as part of your real or potential readership. As a teacher of English, I know full well that this opening paragraph is highly unsuitable reading for an operating level non-native English reader.

Reading is very important when acquiring, learning, improving, practising and perfecting a new language. For students, reading allows time to think, consider and work out what is being said. Listening skills take much longer to acquire than reading, so it is important for them to find reading texts that are both manageable to read, and importantly, interesting.

Blogs are now being used more and more in English language teaching because they offer such a wide choice of subject matter to attract student attention and are also usually of an appropriate length. Around two hundred to six hundred words. So when you are writing blogs and articles perhaps it is worth considering your grammar and lexis. Second language students normally have trouble understanding when they have difficulty in finding the basic elements of phrase. That is, subject, verb, object. Even if they do not understand the adjectives, adverbs, modifiers and some vocabulary, they can still follow an idea so long as the structure is friendly for them.

If I was to consider this article as being good material for a student, I would re-write my introductory paragraph above as follows.

Writers can forget the readers of their words. People are reading more words on screens now than in books or magazines. Second language English students are reading more and more material on the internet as a way of learning and practising their English. Writers should think about using material that is suitable for these readers.

The most noticeable change here is in starting sentences with a clear subject. Sentences starting with adverbial phrases, gerunds and prepositions cause difficulty for students who have less than an advanced level of English. Cleft sentences and conditionals without if, test even an advanced learner.

Another consideration is in the demographic of those acquiring English. Professionals, academics, bankers, doctors, lawyers, IT specialists and the list goes on. In fact, the same demographic you are writing for currently, except with less than mother tongue English skills. I would certainly not advise changing your style to that of a children’s bedtime story. However, I would consider keeping the first one or two paragraphs reasonably student friendly to at least grab their interest and add the possibility of new readers of your work. You can then happily show of your ability to use the subjunctive later in your piece.

My advice? Were it to be me, I wouldn’t use a phrase such as, lo ‘t was my postilion who was stuck by lightening, though. Be that as it may, you are still advised to write with form and style.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

By far the most useful and beautifully flexible part of speech just has to be the wonderfully versatile adverb. It can not only describe a verb and an adjective but even another adverb. How incredibly super cool is that? How can a part of speech do something to itself? Look at the complexity of adverb use in the following ridiculously simple sentence.

My wife eats quickly. When she is very hungry, she eats really quickly.

Did you spot the adverbs? No, try again.

My wife eats quickly. When she is very hungry, she eats really quickly.

Or, try this?

My wife eats so quickly. When she is really very hungry, she eats quite quickly.

Absolutely marvellous isn't it?

What about taking an all to common little adverb that we use without thought, and move the little devil around a bit. Let’s see what happens.

I don’t drink whiskey often.
Often I don’t drink whiskey.
I don’t often drink whiskey.
I often don’t drink whiskey.

Well, how much whiskey do I drink then? And how often? I’m sure you’d love to know. To be perfectly frank with you, I don’t often drink whiskey as I habitually drink beer. Or I occasionally drink a glass of refreshingly cold white wine.

Let’s have some fun with Captain Kirk. Did he…?

Boldly go where no man had gone before.
Go boldly where no man had gone before.
Go where no man had gone before boldly.
Go where no man had gone boldly before.

I hardly had time to quietly contemplate this very special little conundrum, before I had suddenly realised that I was uselessly wasting my time on a point that was ridiculously simple. He went. Boldly. Yes, he did. He simply did. Or did he simply do it?

Apparently I have stupidly abused your precious time by uselessly wasting your recently acquired subscription. I apologise profusely. Or, maybe, I profusely apologise. Whatever. I am very sorry. But, I can’t be sorry very, can I? Strange huh?


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Author Page

I am sure we all have our mind’s eye image of a spy. I have included a few of my favourites to add a bit of pizzaz to this blog entry. But back to reality.

Writing a historical spy novel is proving to be a monumental challenge for me. The idea was great, but the execution is taken me a very long time, with frequent moments of complete blockage. In fact, I have walked away from it for a week or more on a number of occasions as I try to refresh my thinking.

As it happens, I have not chosen your stereotypical spy character, so it is taking me an age to define the main character and of course, re-define as time passes.

Luckily, I have a very clear mental image. However this needs constant reshaping as the story covers a complete life time in multiple cultural environments. My original character list has grown so much, I seem to be returning to re-write earlier sub-plots continuously to keep the story tight. Of course, as it is historical, I seem to lose days and days to research of the most trivial details trying to keep my story line and historical situations accurate.

My original plan was to complete this novel towards the end of this year. At the rate I am going, I might need to move that deadline forward by a few months, or years!

After this project, whenever that will be, I think I might return to a new satyrical essay to clear my brain. Either that or concentrate an clever Twitter utterings. But that is all some way off.

Back to the grind for now.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

After many years, my new novel is finally available. As you could imagine, getting a novel into print needs patience. This is not one of my better qualities, so it is a relief for me to finally let it go and get the manuscript off my desk.

The story is dark and bitter and reflects the difficulties faced when love goes wrong. It is about contained grief and our natural instincts for revenge.

Here's the blurb from the back of the book.

Nobody’s Fault

Three men, David, Tony and Steve come from three different, but very average Australian upbringings. Each with a different set of values and morals learned from their childhood and teenage years. Each could be described as typical or average. The story of these three men revolves around a period of one year when their attitudes and reactions to life are tested by pain, upheaval and dislocation. When these men are stripped of their family, home, love and security, the essence of each man is uncovered. David and Tony become friends at a time of loss and bitterness, as they suffer the trauma of marriage breakdown. They share their bitterness with Steven, who has been striving to reform his life after a prison term. He has the new stability of job, and a woman who loves him. A court dispute between Steven and an old girlfriend, regarding maintenance payments, reignites his past attitudes towards women and life. Steven uses the dispute as an excuse to return to his comfort of a selfish and criminal past. In his attempts to help his new friends, Tony and David, he entangles them, by finding them work with his new employer. A man suspected of involvement in theft, drugs and murder.

Previews of the book are available on Google Books and also Look Inside on Amazon.

Available today from Amazon.com

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

When is it better to use a relative clause, defining or non-defining, and when is it better (like in this case) to use brackets. I have no idea. And does the word Mum always carry a capital, or only when it is in reported speech? Same question with Dad and Grandma I suppose. Just a few grammatical conundrums I had to decide on today as I proof read and edited myself into a grammatical coma. Is cooly spelt cooly or coolly?

Have to make sure to get the verb to the end in a reported speech question. Think I got them all. When do I use " or '. Am I quoting or not? Does Mr have a full stop, or not? Mrs doesn't. And do acronyms need a point between letters? Can I use a ? and a ! together when I want to infer that someone shouted a question? Like, "You said what?!"

Oh, English grammar and punctuation. So easy.

I have made sure I have not split my infinitives and tried where possible to make sure I don't end a sentence with a preposition. But with reported speech questions, it is not possible, is it?

Who did you go to the cinema with?

Has to end with the preposition, doesn't it?

Oh, I didn't mention spelling did I?

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

In my writing I haven’t had to kill off too many characters. If my memory serves me well, there has only been one. And that was left a little to the reader to decide if it was murder or suicide. Until now, my writing has concentrated on the after effects of me taking 'stupid pills' and vomiting the jumble of words onto paper and then trying to rearrange them in some kind of clever and coherent order.

However, this week I have had to plot the demise of a character I had been working so hard to create over the last month or more. Oh dear! So many ways for someone to meet their maker. I have re-written the death a number of times, ranging from extremely gooey to plain old mysterious plague like illness. So many possibilities! Murder, suicide, stabbing, poisoning, garroting, suffocation or strangulation. Accidents with water, electricity, gas, cars, horses or trains. The list is endless.

Somehow, in a perverse kind of way, I think I am over the grief, and now ready to plot a few more demises. What fun!

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

A sneak preview of the cover of my new book. work in progress for sure, but it might give some clues as to the subject.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

Not really sure about this. Do people read, or skim on devices like this? I have looked at the publishing requirements, and it is very demanding as the formating is completely different to hard text for a printed book. Normally .pdf is the prefered format for printing. But with e-books, each reader (device) formats the text to suit the display. So it needs to be a very open text format that can be manipulated by the device to suit the size, resolution and format of the screen. In other words, each device will change the way teh book is formatted. So they will not accept chapter or index page numbers for example. Also difficult to format footnotes and references. So, when is a book, a book?

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

Just started the proofing and editing of my next book. Hopefully available in November. If you like distrust, bitterness, revenge, spite and lust this might be book for you. If your taste is Mills & Boon, I would recomend passing on this one. It is not a pretty love story. That might come next.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

At last! My first book has been published. It is available HERE!
Hopefully there will be a new title to follow within a couple of months.

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

My new book, 'An Uneducated View of Sex, Food and Politics' will be published very soon. Early October hopefully.


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

Soon hopefully. Just sent of my manuscript for approval. Stay tuned for news!


Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook

.
So this is where I start documenting my ‘late start’ musical career. Check back to see if my motivation is still here, and what luck I manage in the coming months. I know 53 is a bit late. but better late than never huh?

Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter
Derek's Facebook