Too busy laughing. I'll get back to my keyboard tomorrow!

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I couldn’t believe my luck when I read this story about Barack Obama. Fancy having the most powerful man in the world on my side for a change. Alas I am not an American so I really will not have the opportunity to lobby him to bring smoking back to restaurants and bars, but it still gives me optimism that the world has not yet been totally purified and sanitised.

The other point that came to mind when I read the article was that I now understood (but only a little) the debate about health care reforms in the US. I must admit, being from Europe, it had not made much sense to me. Until now. Good old Barack is wielding his power for that other minority voting block. Smokers! What a coup for his re-election campaign. I bet the Republicans will be spewing in their soup, as they will now have to play political catch up.

All I need to read now is that Mr Kool (or is he Mr Camel or Mr Marlboro?), drinks beer! But there was no mention about ‘Bud’ in the article. Rather unfortunate, or perhaps it was just an oversight.








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My blog entry, I Don’t Wanna Die Your Way, caused some people to comment on my hostile ravings about my attitudes towards my health. I have received some via Twitter and other sites where my blog is syndicated. However, I have received one particularly long comment, giving me very particular advice. I would like to share Serendipity Jane’s thoughts with you. And of course, my response.



Dear Derek,

Health is a choice! Your doctors do not tell you this: You're paying their life-insurance, vacation, big cars, villas, swimming pools, retirement. What have they  done for you, lately? No, no, no, don't dare changing their pension plans! They count on your money!
Fuel their enthusiasm! Add a few aches and pains! In your life time, who can make a real difference for YOU?

Everything you choose is entirely up to what "free" will is dictating you to do. Yes, free will (or what you perceive it to be) is a dictator! You're only its loyal servant!! If you believe in the illusion of freedom, believe also in the counter-truth of imprisonment to limiting beliefs. So many frogs will happily boil in their own pond water and die because they do not want to change; although they KNOW the risks they are taking and the definite consequences their often deadly choices bring. When they are as young as you are, they still think they can defy gravity, reverse time. Although they choose all these things based on what they have believed to be their "own" choices, they know also that their subconscious mind is driving them with what they were conditioned to believe; and it's driving them insane. So, what is free will?

If health advice does not make you happy, we seriously need to talk, Derek! You Derek, YOU ARE the most selfish man in the world if you do not choose health! All these people who love you want you around in good health as long as possible, so don't spoil it for them, DO YOUR PART! Life is what you make of it! But again, who am I to pull your ears and say "Be healthy!" when you indeed really just want to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

Not sure I can help you with that objective and equally I'm not certain as to the influence you have on your connections to the distributor of after-life. Let's think positive, will we!
Perhaps your dream will come true and you'll come back as a monkey...  long live the banana fetish!

I'm a true believer that life is best lived alive.

It's not too late to change, Derek!

Serendipitously,

Serendipity Jane

(Hope this was acerbic enough for your taste ;-))



Dear Serendipity Jane,

Firstly, with regards to acerbic, I really think a little more effort could have been made to personalise your attack on me. I really think you held back. I agree wholeheartedly that I am the most selfish man in the world. That’s because I am a man. This is what men do. Especially with regards to health. We all hide behind our bravado as protection against anything to do with health. Especially doctors, syringes, pain and concepts of mortality.

Now I’m not a masochist, so being hanged, drawn and quartered is not on my list of fun things to do this weekend, but I do want to live my life doing what I want to do. And that will certainly not include un-fun things like running 5 miles a day, drinking vegetable juice or eating lentils. No, I’m going to have laziness, beer and sausages. Because these make me happy.

I sense that my living a long time is a goal. As my dental hygienist always says, “I want you the have perfect teeth when you’re ninety.” My response is always the same. “My teeth will need to come and see you by themselves. Because I’ll probably be long dead by then!”

I totally agree that life should be lived alive. But only while it’s enjoyable. So it would seem that your request for me to change will fall on my selectively deaf male ears.

But it is nice to know someone cares.

By the way. Did you know that if you kiss a frog, you have an outside chance of creating a prince? Especially one boiling in his own pond I would reckon.

Idiotically,

Derek

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No matter how hard I try, I cannot avoid health advice. Well, I expect it from my doctor, otherwise he would be out of work. It bombards me daily from all angles. Television, radio, newspapers, spam emails, Facebook, Twitter, friends, relatives and total strangers at bus stops. So I would like to make it abundantly clear, once and for all. I do not want to die in absolute perfect health. So stop it!

When I die, I want to wake up the next morning and know exactly why I died. Not just from healthy old age, but for a non negotiable, tangible and attention seeking reason. It would be great if I could emulate a few of my bygone heros and fall off my perch in a place crash, drug overdose or motorcycle accident. These might be a bit hard as I can’t afford to fly, don’t know where to buy LSD these days and I am scared of motorcycles.

Regardless of this, there are of course classics like alcohol poisoning, drowning in a friend’s swimming pool at three am or being shot by a fan. (This last one really might be stretching my hopes a bit.) I would however try an avoid choking on a ham sandwich. It didn’t really give Mama Cass the afterlife fame she deserved.

Then there is just the plain old friends, Nick O. Tine and Al K. Hole. These guys really did it for Dean Martin and the rest of the Rat Pack. Sent them off with eternal fame. Well, except for Peter what’s his name? Oh please bring back movies and television shows where everyone who is anyone is black and white and dragging emotionally on a filterless Marlboro or Camel and sipping whiskey while they mime their one and only hit.

Ordinary unhealthy diet regimes are also top of my list. Along with extremely moderate, if hardly ever at all, exercise. Plus my daily requirement of fat and grease topped of with anything sweet an gooey. I’m having a whale of a time with this and can only hope for a King type collapse in the bathroom.

I am careful not to use yellow or white pedestrian crossings though. I read recently that eighty-five percent of pedestrians are killed on those damn things. So I cross well away from them. What? Do you think I have a death wish?

So in conclusion I would just like to say if you have any notion of helping me live to a ripe old boring age you can shove your health advice firmly and squarely back from where it emanated and leave me be.

I wanna do this thing my way!

Derek's Vandal Blog
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