With over 50,000 readers per month, The Vandal needs to move home to to handle the traffic. A big job, but a heartfelt and sincere thank you to you all for making this change absolutely necessary. So, this will be The Vandal's last post on Google's Blogger platform and from now on The Vandal will be living on WordPress.

Naturally, I am trying to make the migration as seamless as possible for all my wonderful readers, however, it may take a split second or two of your time if all my 'fail safes' don't necessarily do what they are supposed to do. You know how technology is.

If you have subscribed to The Vandal's posts, you should still get them as normal. But if not, go to the new Vandal Blog and click 'Subscribe in a Reader' where you will be give a range of choices.

If you have the Vandal in your Bookmarks or Favourites, go to The Vandal and add the new address to your browser. Sorry.

For email subscribers, there should be no interruption, but if there is a problem, go to the email subscription box on the right hand side of the new Vandal Blog, and enter your email address.

Should you have arrived at this post by sheer accident or fluke, then welcome to The Vandal. But he's not at home. He's moved here, so go take a look at what's going on.

To all my readers I would like to thank you so much for reading, interacting, commenting, disagreeing, arguing and agreeing with me on this blog. It has been the most wonderful three years. So onward and upward. I do sincerely hope you will join me on my new blog platform and enjoy the changes, improvements and stumbles the The Vandal makes as he settles in to his new home.

Oh and yes, the postman, telephone company, insurance broker and all the 'Big Brother' websites have been informed.

See you all on the other side!

Sincerely,
The Vandal aka Derek Haines

Publishing a book has gone from exceedingly difficult, frustrating or expensive to just about free and an absolute cinch in almost the blink of an eye. The traditional agency model is under threat and vanity publishers are looking for where their next buck will come from as independent or self publishing has suddenly become front and centre of the market.

No matter what you want to write about, you can jump from your book being just a word processor document on your laptop to a published ebook in less than 24 hours. How about in paperback in less than a week. Within six weeks you can have your book and/or ebook on sale in almost every country on the planet.

This is really just such wonderful news for those, who just a few short months ago were would be aspiring authors. Now there’s no need to a would be or aspire. Just push the button and you are instantly a published author.

Or a laughingstock.

The problem is that there is no definitive instruction manual for this new publishing process and certainly no quality control. A wonderful story can die a horrible death if the first page contains a spelling mistake. Or worse, mistakes. Typos like that/than is/it there/their just to name a few classics, bounce off the page at a reader and say, ‘close this book now’. A cover that looks like it was produced from a bad scan of a polaroid is another reader killer as is a badly written blurb or bio.

Then comes the difficulties involved in formatting a book for different book formats and ebook standards. It may look super in pdf, but a dog’s breakfast in epub. Readers like good typography. That’s what makes a book readable in either electronic or paper editions. If a book is uncomfortable for the reader’s eye, that’s the end of reading and enjoying your book.

Self publishing with the dream that you will actually sell your book is just that. A dream. No one will buy it until they at least know about it. With millions upon millions of books available, how will yours get noticed? Then even if you do get a prospective reader, if your Amazon sales rank is down in 4 millionth place, will they buy it?

Do you have a marketing plan? If the answer is no, don’t embarrass yourself and your great story. Wait. Go back to the drawing board and create a plan that is realistic and achievable. Or if your not sure, ask for some help.

So what’s my point here? Independent or self publishing is a great innovation, but it is all too easy to publish absolute garbage. So many poorly prepared good stories (and very bad stories including spam books) are now clogging up ebook stores. But this presents an author with an opportunity. If you want your book to stand out, take your time, get some advice if necessary and give your book its best chance to shine.

Because once you have made a fool of yourself, it is a tough assignment to get your credibility back.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

For many authors and publishers, Twitter has become a useful and increasingly important tool in marketing ebooks in particular. Whether it be by social interaction, new blog notifications, links to book reviews or direct linking to your book in the Kindle store, Twitter provides and ideal platform to get the word out about your book.

Judging by the number of writers I follow on Twitter, there is no doubt that it is, along with Facebook, a tool of preference. There is also the integration that Twitter has managed to achieve across the Internet. Just take a moment to see if you can think of a website you have visited recently that doesn’t use Twitter integration. Increasingly, on top of posting directly from within websites, access to an ever increasing number of sites and services is via your Twitter login. So it’s important.

Now imagine that you wake up one morning and your Twitter account has gone. A nasty experience and a proper kick in the teeth for all your book marketing.

Twitter suspension hangs over the head of every Twitter user. And don’t just think that it’s the spammers who get the chop. It can happen to any Twitter user at anytime for a number of reasons. You can read Twitter’s Best Practices and Twitter Rules and be well behaved, but a simple weekend ‘clean out’ of users you are following but are no longer interested in can trigger a suspension if you unfollow too many. And how many is too many? Well, no one really knows because Twitter doesn’t tell us that.

Perhaps you have a new book and want to get the message out about it’s release on a certain date but post just a few too many posts about it. Then perhaps your RSS feed from your blog over runs a limit. How many is too many? Again, Twitter doesn’t tell us that.

Any user knows that Twitter is now overloaded with spammers, DM direct selling, advertising, fraudsters and pay-per-click marketers. So when it happens, as it has to me recently with one small book promotion account, I can tell you I was pretty grumpy about it. On asking why the account was suspended, I was informed it was for ‘aggressive following’. I was following just over 300 users! Not my idea of aggressive at all. And didn’t I read that I could follow up to 2,000? So much for the rules.

There is no warning when Twitter decides to suspend your account. All you can do is ask for your suspension to be reconsidered. If you’re lucky, they may. If not, your account is dead.

I believe Twitter’s policy or suspending user’s accounts without prior warning is totally unfair. Facebook and many other social networking sites have much more refined systems and warn you from within the interface that you are approaching certain limits, such as adding new friends. A refined and simple way of keeping things under control.

Twitter I’m afraid is not so refined. In fact I think it’s becoming quite an ugly social media thug.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

Dialogue tags must be the most written about and discussed structure in a writer’s grammatical toolbox. One that I haven’t mentioned before as I didn’t want to join the long and probably never ending debate.

However, after getting close to finishing reading the third Harry Potter book, (yes I know I’m a bit late in doing so) I just can’t keep my opinion quiet any longer. I am also readying myself for brutal Vandal reader disagreement here, but I just don’t like dialogue tags with the verb before the subject, which J.K. uses almost without fail. Except when she can’t.

‘Let’s go,’ said Harry. Now grammatically and stylistically correct. But as an old English teacher it grates on me. ‘Let’s go,’ Harry said. Now that makes me feel much better.

In my mind, a verb before a subject is used to form a question.

‘Said who?’ Harry asked, or asked Harry.
‘She did,’ said she.

Oh dear, this one can’t be inverted. Said she is a no no. So why is said Harry correct, but it becomes incorrect with a pronoun. Well, because it’s just like that, that’s why. Maybe it’s just me, but I like reading books that use subject - verb tags. Easier on the eye or something. ‘Alright, enough said. Said enough,’ I said.

Except for adverbs!

Now I know they are considered a definite no no in dialogue tags, but from time to time I like them. (Sorry Stephen King. I know what you’d say.) I know that ‘she said smilingly’ would get any editor’s red pen in a microsecond and rightly so but just from time to time I like them. If only to break up the ‘he said, she said’ pattern.

‘I have you now my little princess,’ he said wickedly. Then drove the dagger through her heart.

‘I like that!’ I said proudly.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

As a long time Twitter user, I have been through all the trending fads from ‘Whiter Teeth’ to ‘Free Spectacles’ and ‘Penis Enlargement’. But in recent months two trends have disturbed me in their ferocity. Justin Beiber and Autism.

Now maybe there’s a correlation between the two; I’m not sure. Ok, I won’t go there. But just as ‘Beiber Belieber Fever’ hit Twitter, autism became the trendy word to add to a ‘bio’ to attract sympathetic attention. Please don’t get me wrong here. I would never trivialise autism, but I can certainly get really upset at ‘fake accounts’ using it as a sympathy grabber. Lowest of lowest scum in my mind. Perhaps the lowest I’ve seen on Twitter.

Which is totally different from the ‘Beleibers’. Heavens to Betsy! A kid as yet to discover the drag of having to equip his bathroom with Gillette Blue razor blades, and quite honestly, a lad who sings like a half garrotted budgerigar with a nasal impediment should hardly warrant such attention. Well, I was going to say that such who follow him perhaps suffer from a mental condition in which fantasy dominates over reality, as a symptom of schizophrenia and other disorders. But I won’t as that gets too close to defining something I mentioned earlier.

I much prefer Tweets about coffee to be honest. And the weather and what Tiger Woods can’t manage to do anymore. I can even suffer ‘coaches’, who must all be on a crusade to save us all from, well, everything. Quoters on ‘Twitter Auto Pilot’ even give me a smile from time to time along with certified ‘fruit loops’ who continue to try to convince me that the world will end last Thursday.

Please Twitter, keep the ‘fruit loops’ coming, but really, enough of the other two.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

Now I know many of you like my odd little recipes I post in here from time to time, but this one is a really special. When my wife told me she was cooking a lamb shoulder roast for dinner, I was very pleased indeed. When I discovered how she intended to cook it, I was unsure.

But when I ate it. Oh dear me, I was sent to epicurean heaven on a magic carpet. So, here’s how she cooked this magical meal.

Generously rub salt and pepper all over the meat, then lightly brown in a pan with a little butter over high heat. Set aside. Into a large oven proof pot, toss 4-5 long branches of rosemary, 10-12 peeled shallot and the same number of fresh garlic cloves.

Now, place the lamb shoulder in the pot and add about 500 mls (a pint) of chicken stock. (1/4 white wine - 3/4 stock works better.) Now, pop into the oven at a very low heat. Around 120c (about 225-250f). Cook for about 6-7 hours, basting the roast with the juices from time to time.

When cooked, carefully remove the meat, shallots and garlic and rest. Drain the remaining liquid from the pot to remove the rosemary, then reduce the liquid over a high heat by about 1/3.

Serve with whatever you fancy, but we had polenta and baby fennel which complimented the lamb beautifully. And if you got it right ….. the meat is so tender, you serve the meat with a spoon.

Bon appetite !

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

It’s been a while since I posted part two in this, what was never intended to be series of moans, whinges, complaints and petty nitpicking, but what the hell, I enjoy it. It gives me a form of release and relief to get these little nasties of my chest. Then there is the other consideration. When my creative mind is a total blank, which it often, this is an easy blog topic to clack out. So let’s clack away with another five all time favourite annoyances.

1. Computers. In any form at all from PCs to Macs and smart phones to cable TV set-top boxes. They all have the same horrid trait. They fail to proceed as exactly the same moment you just haven’t got the time to play technician. They all have the horrid ability to know when you’re in a hurry and do everything in their power to go on strike right at the time you urgently need to get that email from your boss. Exactly the moment you want to show Aunt Nellie your holiday photos.

2. Anything labelled ‘Customer Service’. Such a nice name for a bunch of people that are highly skilled at saying and doing everything possible to provide absolutely no service at all. So well trained that they can vomit platitudes until the cows come home, but will never say that they will help you with your problem with their defective product or service.

3. Human Resources. Sounds like a copper mining company to me and always has. The bit that really annoys me though is that HR worldwide seems increasingly to be managed solely by twenty-three year old blonde women with knee length black skirts and a seriously bad attitude. Plus, anyone that knows anything about resources and mining knows it’s bad luck to let a woman in a mine.

4. Food for pets. Why is it more expensive than food for me? Same goes for treatments for pets. Always three times the price of my insect repellent spray. Just doesn’t seem right now, does it?

5. Last but not least, are those cretinous morons who drive at their one comfortable speed no matter where they are. So along they go at 60 kph in an 80 zone, then as they enter a 50 zone they continue at 60 until they enter the freeway and its 120 limit and of course they continue at 60. They are damn dangerous in 30kph school zones too. But I should be more tolerant I suppose. They’re probably just trying out the cruise control!

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

I have been asked numerous times why I don’t write in popular genres such as romance, paranormal, vampire, urban fantasy or stories that involve wizards and pixies. Well, the honest answer is that I am just plain hopeless at it. But in an attempt to pacify the calls, here’s a good example of why.



The MacDonald’s Vampire

Reggie tried to stay cucumber cool, but with the prospect of his life changing moment arriving unexpectedly, he could only manage a sixteen year old, hot and eager to trot type of coolness. Agatha had taken him by surprise in accepting – over the last munches of cold MacDonald’s French fries – his nervous invitation back to his house, which was as of that very morning, parent and sibling free. He had escaped the three day visit to his grandparents by having the good fortune of a compulsory maths exam the following day.

He couldn’t believe his luck as they walked hand in hand in the evening moonlight towards his house. Agatha was also feeling lucky, fighting hard to keep her appetite and fangs under control until the anticipated moment arrived. She took a deep breath, which Reggie misunderstood completely, and settled her sweet ‘Pollyanna’ persona back into place.

Taking no chances, Reggie guided Agatha to the sofa and passed on any preliminaries. His fondling was surprisingly and warmly accepted, so he ventured immediately up the back of Agatha’s blouse and tried his hand at one hand unclipping. He’d studied this on the Internet for hours but was discovering that it was not an easy skill at all. It was a difficult three clipper, and after managing two, the last one just wouldn’t budge.

As he surrendered his one handed, ham-fisted method for a two handed attack, his attention moved from Agatha’s eyes and towards his stubborn target. This was a mistake on Reggie’s part, as if he had stayed gooey-eyed with her he probably would have noticed a remarkable change coming over Agatha’s eyes and dental arrangement. As he fumbled away, Agatha’s hand placement and motion gave Reggie the distinct feeling that his Levi’s were really to tight for this type of situation.

Finally, Reggie succeeded with a ‘snap’ that made Agatha jump a little but Reggie was too busy now, seeking the prizes he had fought so hard to win. As he ran his hands around to the front of Agatha’s blouse, he was reassured of her approval by the gentle way she was kissing his neck. He was busy with his rewards, while Agatha was busy finding the perfect spot for her own sanguineous reward.

‘I’ll get the suitcases Mary!’ Reggie’s father’s booming voice announced as the front door suddenly burst open. ‘Ok, I’ll get Susie to bed and call the doctor,’ Reggie’s mum replied.

The moment was lost. Reggie cursed his young sister while Agatha tidied herself and slipped out effortlessly through the living room window. Into the night – despondent, desirous and delightfully dangerous.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

Vandalism Too. A great little title for a sequel edition to Vandalism of Words methinks. Of course my first thought was Vandalism 2, but then I got a bit lost and started playing with II, to, two, to, too, tu, tutu, deux and twice. In the end my spell checker seemed to like Too, so I ran with its gut feeling of correctness.

When you mention ‘The Box’ to many, they may immediately think about television. But not to a cricketer. Now I know many of my readers aren’t familiar with cricket, so I won’t go into the complexity of the Laws of Cricket or any of the many customs that go a long with it. What I would like to tell you about is the stages of life that a cricketer’s most cherished possession, his box, goes through as the years pass.

Firstly you need to understand that when batting in cricket, there is a bowler who is hurling 5.5 ounces of extremely hard material encased in shiny red leather at nearly one hundred miles per hour from a distance of roughly 17-18 yards, depending on the bowler’s height and stride. But needless to say, it is only a split second before this hard red ball is upon you and if it happens to hit any part of your unprotected body, it hurts like hell and induces an immediate yellowish, bluish, reddish, purplish bruise that takes weeks to fade.

If you’re familiar with baseball and have been hit by one, I can tell you it is only about 10% as painful as being hit by a cricket ball.

Now, back to the box. It is the most important item because it is designed specifically to protect the most important parts of a cricketer’s body. His Crown Jewels! Even with the rugged construction and energy absorbing properties of a a box, I can tell you, if you get hit ‘there’, even while wearing one, your eyes still tear up, your stomach feels like it is being strained out through your nostrils and you instantly believe your chances of ever being a father just disappeared.

So, when young and virile, a young cricketer never ever goes out to bat without his beloved box. As he ages, well, if just once he forgets, it’s not so bad because experience can get him through undamaged to the next break in play to re-equip. Then coming close to the end of his playing days in the gentlemen’s league, oh well, the bowlers are getting on too so no panic if he forgets.

Then comes retirement and all the kit is put in the garage and forgotten. Until enough years pass and a garage clean-up is in order. It is at this precise moment that ‘the box’, long forgotten and covered in dust, finds a new lease of life and re-enters an old cricketer’s latter years being useful again.

Sitting proudly on the sideboard as an ideal container for his coins.

Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

When I formed my publishing company (Portmanteau Press LLC), I was shocked and appalled that I received the following question from numerous people (my CPA, the lady at the bank, my mother!): what is a portmanteau? Now, I feel the need to educate people about this wonderful language device. Being that Derek’s blog is called “Vandalism of Words,” I felt this was an appropriate forum.

A portmanteau, in short, is when you take two words and squish them together to form a new word. For example, you have a meal that is halfway between breakfast and lunch? Brunch. You have an eating utensil that is a cross between a spoon and a fork? Spork. Very simple and easy to understand. But why is it called a portmanteau?

You can thank Lewis Carroll, one of my inspirations as a writer. A portmanteau, in English practice, was just a suitcase. It is, itself, a French portmanteau of the words porter (to carry) and manteau (a cloak or mantel). Carroll used the word in Through the Looking-Glass to explain some of his adjectives that described the Jaberwocky. Slithy combines lithe and slimy. Mimsy combines flimsy and miserable.

Modern media has taken portmanteaus to a level that is absolutely atrocious: celebrity name-combining. Brangelina (Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie) and Bennifer (Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez) are not clever portmanteaus. They are abominations and slights to clever wordplay masters that use the device properly. I cringe every time I hear one of these celebrity name portmanteaus and get a strong urge to kick a small animal (I resist!).

There are tons of words that are used in the English language now that many people probably do not even realize are portmanteaus: motel (motor/hotel), smog (smoke/fog), squiggle (squirm/wiggle), and gerrymander (Elbridge Gerry/salamandar). At the end of the day, I would guess that most people use a portmanteau word at least once or twice daily and do not even know what it is they are using.

Spread the word. Don’t let this lack of understanding continue. In closing, I have a question for you, dear reader: what is your favorite portmanteau word?


Today’s guest blogger: Jeremy Rodden. Author of Toonopolis Files.

Author of Toonopolis Files: www.toonopolis.com
On Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/toonopolis
On Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/-/dp/0615457215/


Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter

It’s a horrid thing to say but authors are having to become their own sales and marketing department these days. I’m not just talking about independent authors here as even those represented by agents and publishers, big and small, are out there now doing their impression of a good old fashioned ‘Snake Oil Salesman’. (Yes and saleswomen too, but I didn’t want to associate women and Snake Oil.)

It’s only now the very few elite and established bestselling authors that can devote themselves entirely to writing and not have huge amounts of their time allocated each day to the ‘get your hands dirty’ flogging of their books.

I know in my case, I now spend more time promoting my books than I ever do writing them. From social media interaction, blogs, reviews, emails, articles, website updates through to advertising and publicity, monitoring promotional campaigns and basically just getting my name out there. This is not to mention keeping track of the various outlets for my books and ensuring that any mentions and reviews are responded to in a timely manner.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoy most of the tasks I have to do each day. But not as much as writing. Perhaps I should employ Tom Waits to do the Snake Oil on my books for me. So go on, step right up!


Step Right Up
By Tom Waits

Step right up, step right up, step right up,
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore
That's right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales
You need perfume? we got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady,
Something for the little lady, hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colours, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go, going out of business, going out of business
Going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price, skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it? how do we do it? volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down,
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

Complete lyrics here.

THANKS TOM!


Books By Derek Haines
Derek's Vandal Blog
www.derekhaines.ch
Derek on Twitter