During a short trip to my local shopping centre this morning, I witnessed first hand the frenzy that is Apple iPhone 4 insanity.

Now as some of you may know, I live in a small village on the quiet shores of Lake Geneva and our excitement usually comes in the form of hearing the sound of cow bells in the morning. But not today. A queue had formed by early morning leading to the now guarded doors of our local Swisscom shop. The length of the queue defied our last census, as I am sure there were more people in the queue than actually live here.

I would have liked to publish a real photo of the event, but the number of people indicated to me that many must have taken a day off work to join the maddeningly long wait and I didn’t want to incriminate them with their bosses who were probably under the impression that they were all at aunty Trudi’s funeral in Geneva.

Having heard all the stories about ‘antennagate’ and all number of frightening rumours about the iPhone 4, it seems no one has been deterred. It doesn’t seem to matter if it actually works or not. It’s a new iPhone, so therefore it is a must have for everyone in our village.

Even though I am a self confessed Apple addict, I will wait a while. I don’t like queues all that much. And as it takes thirty minutes to say hello, and another thirty to say goodbye in our area, this morning’s queue could take months to be cordially processed.

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I am often asked where I find my ideas. Well, ideas is quite a compliment as I would more accurately describe them as irrational thoughts carelessly transferred into text (most often in Arial as I quite like the plainness of this font) and then irresponsibly published on either paper or in the gaseous cloud we have come to call the internet. My ultimate aim is to be published on either papyrus or granite, but I am told that this idea is rather backward looking.

Anyway, I have digressed from the title of this blog post.

To cut to the quick of it, I have discovered that by some strange freak of nature and clearly a small mix up in my DNA processing, I have ended up with and extra and rather odd gland. It is located quite inconveniently in my right cheek, and tends to swell at the most embarrassing of times. Over the years I have learned to have some limited control over it. If I grit my teeth firmly shut, the gland tends to stay quiet and flaccid. But if I allow my teeth to part, my tongue immediately goes into action and titillates the gland to a lumpy, cheeky sort of lump protruding from my right jowl.

In this state it is almost impossible to speak, although guffawing is possible with some effort. With limited oral communicative ability I find that it is the best time for me to get a pen or a keyboard and start writing pronto.

After conducting a lot of research over a period of about two minutes, I discovered that I may not be the only person in the world with this extra gland affliction. (Check the accompanying picture as proof.) I am happy about this, because I really do not want to feel as though I am a singular freak of nature.

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Summer is only just over a month old and already I have had enough. Enough heat, enough salad, enough cold chicken, enough ice cream.

Now for all you summer lovers this may come as a surprise to learn that there are people like me who just literally detest summer. Having been born and raised in a hot, dry, arid and altogether unpleasant climate in the far, dry west of Australia, I have to tell you I have seen and felt enough boiling sunshine, hot sand and salt water to last a life time.

Since my accidental transportation and relocation to Switzerland I have been in my absolute element enjoying the comfort and epicurean delights of bitingly cold winters, chilly springs and crisp, golden autumns. But the summer still sucks.

So from late June through to the end of August I remain in a grumpy mood as I wait for September to herald the start of my nine months of bliss. The big, big, big event on my personal calendar is the start of the ‘chasse’ or hunting season in late September. Not because I like hunting at all, but I do like the end result on my plate and I munch away heartily in the full knowledge that my meal of wild pig and fruits confirms that at last the hot days of summer are just a memory.

Damn. Still two more months of sweating to suffer.

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I am not going to mention any names here, but paying for your mistress’s flat, your Havana cigar habit, your girl friend’s jewellery and dining on champagne and caviar from the public purse proves that democracy is as corrupt as any ‘ocracy’ or ‘ism.

We are so easily fooled every time we are asked to vote and choose between one, two or possibly three equally lying and corrupt career politicians who in fact all belong to the same venal club. The ruling elite. Really is there any difference between the old Rhodesia under Ian Smith or the newer Zimbabwe under Robert Mugabe? Think about it? What has really changed?

While our current bunch of world leaders generally give an outward veneer of respectability, you do not have to scratch too deep to find greed, sleaze, pay-offs and half, if not full untruths. Freedom, liberty, human rights, equality and truth are all very negotiable and malleable principles for the ‘haut monde’ who still hold dear to the belief that war is still a honourable political tool.

Whether it be Middle East peace, African education, third world poverty, global warming, unchecked industrial pollution or torture and human trafficking, all ‘political lip service’ causes are continually swept aside as there is truly no real political motivation for real action.

The only action you ever see is when something goes astray with the one and only political reality. The economy. Or more precisely, the money that belongs to the ruling elite. If you want to fully understand politics, follow the money trail and forget any fruitless hopes you may have or have had about political fairness or ethical behaviour. It will never, never happen.

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One of my favourite Cambridge examination components was key word transformation . It truly was a test of a student’s knowledge of English at both First Certificate and Advanced levels.

However it is also a great exercise for accomplished writers. I still love doing them as it fine tunes my writing skills by having to constantly search for alternatives.

So just for fun, why don’t you see how you go with these examples.










For Questions 1-12, complete the second sentence so that it has a similar meaning to the first sentence, using the word given. Do not change the word given. You must use between three and six words, including the words given.


1 This is your third warning from me this week about being late for work.
NOT
This is the third time this week I……………………………be late for work.

2 I think Anita must have gone on a diet recently because she's quite slim now.
HAS
It looks as…………………………….dieting because she's quite slim now.

3 I always hated pasta when 1 was a child but now I cook it regularly.
USE
I…………………………pasta when I was a child but now 1 cook it regularly.

4 I went to have my own look at the apartment and 1 couldn't understand why my
friend wanted us to live in such a depressing place!
SEE
Having………………………………..myself, I couldn't understand why my friend
wanted us to live in such a depressing place!

5 We wanted to continue our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.
LIKE
We……………………………on with our mountain trek but the weather was too bad.

6 I want to inform you that I was not satisfied with the standard of service in your
hotel.
EXPRESS
I would……………………………………with the standard of service in your hotel.
7 I wanted to stay in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.

SOONER
I……………………………………..in last night but my flatmate insisted we go out.
8 Didn't you want me to tell the staff about your resignation?
RATHER
Would………………………………………the staff know about your resignation?

9 I didn't stop worrying about the wild animals until we were safe inside camp.
ONLY
It was……………………………………………………….safety of camp that I
Stopped worrying about the wild animals.

10 Steve's one topic of conversation is the time he spent as a pilot.
EVER
The time he spent as a pilot …………………………………………………..about.

11 After arriving at the airport, we realised that our passports were still at home.
UNTIL
It…………………………………………………at the airport that we realised our
passports were still at home.

12 When Michael's boat began to sink, he sent a signal for help.
DID
When Michael's boat began to sink, what ……………………………………..a signal
for help.


Now please don’t ask for answers! You are all fine writers of English.


These examples came from the Practise English blog. More examples can be found by searching for CAE and FCE Key Word Transformations in any search engine.

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This is my first attempt at a full blog post written and created totally on my iPad. For all that has been written and said about the iPad, there is nothing I can add. Except maybe one thing. The only 'poo pooing' I have read has been from people who don't own an iPad.

From a personal perspective, it does exactly what I bought it to do. Be a convenient way to access and consume the Internet and offer the means to do a little writing from time to time. These things it does brilliantly. Especially the auto spell check and replace. Does wonders for my habitually bad typing and spelling.

I digressed. This post is not about my iPad but about dogs. Well I should say a solitary puppy. As the proud new master of a beautiful black cocker spaniel, I am now fully occupied with all things puppy. Wonderful fun, looks of admiration, walks in the rain, the smell of freshly laid puppy poo and a balcony now taking on the unique aroma of house breaking.

Squeaky little rubber toys littering the floor and decorative chewing patterns on the legs of the coffee table. When combined with late night crying and yelping in the vain effort to advise his long distant mother that he is out of the nest and doing fine it makes for a wonderfully close if not a constantly 'NO!' punctuated relationship.

Then a little lick of my toes and we are the best of friends again. I have stated his training immediately, and after only two days he now knows how to sit under a café table while I drink a beer or coffee. He's a super fast learner.

I will keep you updated on his progress.


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I am in the middle of a dilemma at present. It is this. Do I write a Milo Moon sequel or not?

On one hand I know that I myself enjoy books that are in a series or a sequel or two. Ian Rankin’s Inspector Rebus, the Straun family saga from James Clavell and of course Douglas Adam’s famous five part trilogy of Hitchhiker stories are great enjoyable examples.

But then again I have a sense that some stories are best left to stand by themselves. 1984, Brave New World and Atlas Shrugged screamed out to be left alone and not regurgitated in a new form.

There are also the over exploited themes such as Rocky movies which became only worse and worse as each sequel was released. Even one of my favourite movies, Star Wars, lost its shine with each new movie as did The Blues Brothers sequel.

Maybe I am on the wrong track. Perhaps it is just movie sequels that have the potential to be stinkers where books have a seemingly better chance of maintaining the quality in sequels.

Or perhaps deep down I have had my fill of Milo Moon and would love to have an excuse to write a cooking book with delicious pictures.

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One of the great things about moving countries is discovering new sports to get mad about. For me, my greatest discovery since moving to Switzerland is Lutte. Or Swiss Wrestling.

It’s a very simple idea in that you want to pin your opponent’s back to the ground. But the execution is of course much more difficult and requires not only strength, but balance and skill. So excited am I about it, my wife has bought me a traditional blue ‘lutte’ shirt complete with edelweiss!

For those unfamiliar with lutte, here is a short video that will give you a better idea of why I am such a fan. Of course, being a fan of lutte means plenty of beer and wine drinking, so it really fits my lifestyle rather well.


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As the pinnacle event in the football (or soccer) calendar, what a disgusting display of bad sportsmanship and thuggery it turned out to be. It was a disgrace.

In no other sport does a referee or umpire have such little respect. You would never see such childish arguing with a decision in basketball, rugby, ice hockey, American or Australian football. In other sports the referee’s decision is final, and arguing results in either sending off, or long term suspensions.

The infantile petulance of the players cannot be excused by the fact that it was a World Cup Final. Of course emotions are running high, but this is the pressure that true sportsmen and women thrive upon in many other high profile tournaments. True champions compete hard, but accept the rules of fair play and player conduct.

The Dutch coach showed how much respect he has by removing his medal immediately after receiving it.

The referee for the match did a wonderful job, and in the spirit of it being the biggest game, he tried very hard to give some leniency to players early in the game. In any other game, at least two players would have been sent off in the first half. However, instead of understanding that the referee was trying to keep the game alive and retain the spectacle for viewers world wide, the players continued with their thuggery and arguing to the end. From my view they shamed their nations.

In another respect, I can draw a parallel between unruly crowd behaviour and the example of a lack of respect for authority shown by the players. Football thuggery has been with us for over forty years now and refers to the followers of football. Is it any wonder? The 2010 World Cup Final was played by twenty-two thugs of the highest order.

If this was football’s showcase to the world, I think there will be millions of mums and dads around the world who have been appalled at the example set for their children.

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This lovely list of puns arrived in my inbox recently. I tried to find the original version, but it seems it has been posted many, many times. If the original author finds this post, I would very much like to add the source.



1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired. (“tyred” in the UK and colonies)

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road … poultry in motion.

6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison … a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture … a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center … 'Keep off the Grass'

32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.


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