My Take Away Vampire
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My Take Away Vampire - A Tasty Novella
Although Agatha is over three hundred years old, it certainly doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt and fit into ugly post-industrial small town suburbia. Partial to the delights that an evening at McDonald’s often serve her, she waits at her favourite dimly lit corner table – for her kind of take away.
Being your typical urban vampire, this means that her fare isn’t up in bright lights on the menu above the cashiers. However, she usually finds exactly what she is looking for. Her teenage beauty, long blonde hair and ice blue eyes are a temptation very few can resist.
After a long and predictable vampiric existence, trouble is afoot for Agatha. Red headed, freckled and just a little slow on the uptake sometimes, young Reggie stumbles into Agatha’s predictability and turns it on its head.
Add the over-protective and rhyming ghost of a dead poet, a snarling black wolf, some cops and Agatha’s preference for the 1980’s fashion of mini-skirts, satin halter neck tops and knotted white blouses, things just may go awry.
Along with a couple of untimely and unfortunate deaths, and Reggie’s complete misunderstanding of anything at all that’s going on, the awry becomes a dead certainty.
Enjoy My Take Away Vampire. A very different yet tasty little vampire tale.
Although Agatha is over three hundred years old, it certainly doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt and fit into ugly post-industrial small town suburbia. Partial to the delights that an evening at McDonald’s often serve her, she waits at her favourite dimly lit corner table – for her kind of take away.
Being your typical urban vampire, this means that her fare isn’t up in bright lights on the menu above the cashiers. However, she usually finds exactly what she is looking for. Her teenage beauty, long blonde hair and ice blue eyes are a temptation very few can resist.
After a long and predictable vampiric existence, trouble is afoot for Agatha. Red headed, freckled and just a little slow on the uptake sometimes, young Reggie stumbles into Agatha’s predictability and turns it on its head.
Add the over-protective and rhyming ghost of a dead poet, a snarling black wolf, some cops and Agatha’s preference for the 1980’s fashion of mini-skirts, satin halter neck tops and knotted white blouses, things just may go awry.
Along with a couple of untimely and unfortunate deaths, and Reggie’s complete misunderstanding of anything at all that’s going on, the awry becomes a dead certainty.
Enjoy My Take Away Vampire. A very different yet tasty little vampire tale.
Reviews
New twist on Vampires
By Fred Paxton
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
For such a short read the main characters were richly developed. Once started, I could NOT put this book down. Haines puts and interesting twist on vampires that I did not, repeat not, see coming. A delightful book sure to please any vampire lover.
By Fred Paxton
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
For such a short read the main characters were richly developed. Once started, I could NOT put this book down. Haines puts and interesting twist on vampires that I did not, repeat not, see coming. A delightful book sure to please any vampire lover.
My Take Away Vampire by Derek Haines
By Mary Crocco "book reviewer / writer"
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
A spoof on the vampire craze? A hilarious comedy?
If you read My Take Away Vampire as a comedic vampire spoof, then you will absolutely love Derek Haines novella.
The vampire is Agatha and the comedy comes from Reggie, who is her botched vampire attempt. There is Mr. Fipps, a ghost in the cemetery where Agatha and others sleep for about 300 years. The other characters you simply must have the fun of discovering yourself.
I recommend reading this amusing story especially if you laugh at the zany vampire craze. It's a quick read and Derek Haines does not disappoint his readers with his appealing writing style. He develops his characters in depth which entice his readers to yearn for more adventures. Such is the case in My Take Away Vampire, but I can't tell you which character I hope to follow because it will spoil the story.
So check out this entertaining novella and enjoy a good laugh!
By Mary Crocco "book reviewer / writer"
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
A spoof on the vampire craze? A hilarious comedy?
If you read My Take Away Vampire as a comedic vampire spoof, then you will absolutely love Derek Haines novella.
The vampire is Agatha and the comedy comes from Reggie, who is her botched vampire attempt. There is Mr. Fipps, a ghost in the cemetery where Agatha and others sleep for about 300 years. The other characters you simply must have the fun of discovering yourself.
I recommend reading this amusing story especially if you laugh at the zany vampire craze. It's a quick read and Derek Haines does not disappoint his readers with his appealing writing style. He develops his characters in depth which entice his readers to yearn for more adventures. Such is the case in My Take Away Vampire, but I can't tell you which character I hope to follow because it will spoil the story.
So check out this entertaining novella and enjoy a good laugh!
Review of My Take Away Vampire by: Emma Meade on Jan. 09, 2012 :
Forever teenage vampire Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s.
Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey; her preference is male virgins and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice them, i.e. a little teenage tramp. Agatha is not without heart however and always gives them pleasure before she feeds.
Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood. In short, Agatha is brazen. She lives in the old graveyard and her best friend is her neighbour Mr. Fipps who speaks through rhyme. I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed despite his annoying manner of communication.
There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”. Keep in mind that this language comes from a teenage boy Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating. Too much information! Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’.
Like many before him he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body. Will Agatha go for the kill or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?
I finished this story in one sitting; it’s easy to read and very well written but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years. Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed? Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts?
One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears. Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago so is this meant to make the fake relationship ok? She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine). He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16 and yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining. In a literary world filled with deep, brooding male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.
The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing.
(reviewed after purchase)
Forever teenage vampire Agatha’s favourite hunting ground is the brightly-lit interior of McDonald’s.
Flashing lots of flesh, she finds easy and willing prey; her preference is male virgins and so she dresses in the manner she thinks will most entice them, i.e. a little teenage tramp. Agatha is not without heart however and always gives them pleasure before she feeds.
Hey, I’m sure there are quite a few guys out there who would happily receive oral sex in exchange for their blood. In short, Agatha is brazen. She lives in the old graveyard and her best friend is her neighbour Mr. Fipps who speaks through rhyme. I developed a fondness for Mr. Fipps as the story progressed despite his annoying manner of communication.
There are lots of instances of “tits” and “fuck you”, too many for my taste but I did laugh out loud at “Fuck You Marvin”. Keep in mind that this language comes from a teenage boy Reggie (mostly) who likes to spend his days watching porn, eating Pringles and masturbating. Too much information! Reggies’ mom is an alcoholic and he’s left to hang out with his gang called ‘the Wasters’.
Like many before him he is quickly enthralled by Agatha’s beautiful body. Will Agatha go for the kill or will Reggie live to tell his gang another tale?
I finished this story in one sitting; it’s easy to read and very well written but I would have liked to learn more about Agatha and how she survived the past 300 years. Wouldn’t her presence in small town suburbia be noticed? Why did she remain in her hometown of Eatensville, a dump by all accounts?
One majorly creepy element was Agatha’s seduction of a 15 year old girl who she describes as a “savage tart”, killing her after sex and leaving her body with her teddy bears. Agatha was 15 years old when she was turned some three centuries years ago so is this meant to make the fake relationship ok? She then seduces a married man who’s married to a “bitch” (Agatha’s word, not mine). He believes her to be no more than 15 or 16 and yet her age doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
This novella is well written, creepy in places and overall funny and entertaining. In a literary world filled with deep, brooding male vampires, Haines’ tale was a welcome change.
The best thing about My Take Away Vampire is that it made me laugh, which is always a good thing.
(reviewed after purchase)
More Reviews
Great book!
By anduffy3
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
Really great vampire story! I love reading vampire stories, but after a while they all start to seem too similar. This book is a nice change to the vampire craze, and is definitely worth reading. The characters in this book are very interesting and versatile, especially the ghost of the dead poet that is mentioned in the description. This book is diverse enough to appeal to a wide audience, and anyone who disliked Twilight can rest assured that this book is nothing like that series. Agatha is a teen vampire, but this book is not just a dull teen read. I would highly recommend this book.
By anduffy3
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
Really great vampire story! I love reading vampire stories, but after a while they all start to seem too similar. This book is a nice change to the vampire craze, and is definitely worth reading. The characters in this book are very interesting and versatile, especially the ghost of the dead poet that is mentioned in the description. This book is diverse enough to appeal to a wide audience, and anyone who disliked Twilight can rest assured that this book is nothing like that series. Agatha is a teen vampire, but this book is not just a dull teen read. I would highly recommend this book.
Easy to read classic meets pop culture tale
By S. Coyne
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
A great mix of classic vampire lour and modern pop culture this is a great short story. While it is not very long that only adds to the charm, an easy and entertaining read. A story of struggle with self control, lust and loss, the main character is a metaphor for us all struggling through life's confusing stages. While the vampire theme may seem reminiscent of another popular vampire movie, the book in unique in its own way and is sure to please readers of all types. A bit of harsh language so probably not the best for young or timid readers, but not unreasonable. Over all a great read.
By S. Coyne
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
A great mix of classic vampire lour and modern pop culture this is a great short story. While it is not very long that only adds to the charm, an easy and entertaining read. A story of struggle with self control, lust and loss, the main character is a metaphor for us all struggling through life's confusing stages. While the vampire theme may seem reminiscent of another popular vampire movie, the book in unique in its own way and is sure to please readers of all types. A bit of harsh language so probably not the best for young or timid readers, but not unreasonable. Over all a great read.
Clever and funny vampire romance,
By ForTheQuinn
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This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
There are a lot of vampire stories available these days, and most of them are predictably similar, but this one manages a fresh take on blood-suckers by lightly spoofing the genre while at the same time functioning as a very well done vampire drama in its own right. The two main characters are unique and three-dimensional and you have a lot of fun accompanying them on this dark and fun adventure. It's a relatively short book, but very entertaining all the way through. Definitely worth a look if you're looking for a new kind of vampire story.
By ForTheQuinn
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
There are a lot of vampire stories available these days, and most of them are predictably similar, but this one manages a fresh take on blood-suckers by lightly spoofing the genre while at the same time functioning as a very well done vampire drama in its own right. The two main characters are unique and three-dimensional and you have a lot of fun accompanying them on this dark and fun adventure. It's a relatively short book, but very entertaining all the way through. Definitely worth a look if you're looking for a new kind of vampire story.
A very fun vampire book
By Jeffrey H.
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
I was unsure of whether or not I should get this book at first, but eventually decided that it was not really a big risk. I have kind of had a bit too much of vampires lately, but My Take Away Vampire had a pretty unique twist to separate itself from most vampire books, which is some pretty comedic elements. Despite that, however, it is still a well written book with an interesting plot and well developed characters, even if it was a little bit on the short side. This was a book that was a lot of fun to read. In fact, this was the most fun I have had reading a book in a very long time.
By Jeffrey H.
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
I was unsure of whether or not I should get this book at first, but eventually decided that it was not really a big risk. I have kind of had a bit too much of vampires lately, but My Take Away Vampire had a pretty unique twist to separate itself from most vampire books, which is some pretty comedic elements. Despite that, however, it is still a well written book with an interesting plot and well developed characters, even if it was a little bit on the short side. This was a book that was a lot of fun to read. In fact, this was the most fun I have had reading a book in a very long time.
New Take on Vampires
By Avid Reader Reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
I knew I wanted to read this book after reading the blurb and I was not disappointed. I love books about vampires that are witty and intriguing. I thought Agatha was hilarious and the fact that she loved hanging out at McDonalds, of all places, was awesome. I loved the description in the book and I felt like Agatha would be a fun person to hang out with, if I wasn't scared she would kill me!
Good original book with a new take on vampires.
By Avid Reader Reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: My Take Away Vampire (Kindle Edition)
I knew I wanted to read this book after reading the blurb and I was not disappointed. I love books about vampires that are witty and intriguing. I thought Agatha was hilarious and the fact that she loved hanging out at McDonalds, of all places, was awesome. I loved the description in the book and I felt like Agatha would be a fun person to hang out with, if I wasn't scared she would kill me!
Good original book with a new take on vampires.
